You are feeling sleepy...but probably not sleeping.

I'm am an anxious person. I'm not going to qualify how anxious I am compared to the norm or some other standard. I think the important measurement for this conversation is that I am anxious enough that it impacts parts of how I live my life that I would really like to change. While there are a few anxieties I wish I could surgically remove from my life, if I got to choose one to day it would be my anxieties about sleep.

Sleep is supposed to be a restful, recharging part of the day, yet I somehow manage to jam pack it with anxieties. There's the worrying about going to bed and not being able to fall asleep. Then, worrying I won't wake up on time. Slide in a little fear of the moments of existential examination that are bound to occur lying awake in the dark and a side of dreams likely to dredge up my subconscious shit. 

If sleep is supposed to be when I process my day, I'm going to start needing some sleep for my sleep to be processed. 

Like many parts of my life that anxiety has come to roost, sleep has felt at times like an insurmountable task full of mistakes to be made and judgments to be handed down. I don't have any magic cures for any of my anxieties (though I'm always open to magical cures if you have them!), but I have learned a few things. 

The main one is to be able to talk to another person. It isn't just being able to say, "I have a hard time sleeping," but to really delve into and examine with that person the process of your anxiety. For me, this has been talking about all the things I am avoiding when I can't sleep as well as the things I do to stay up--like watching Netflix or writing my blog too late on a Sunday night!

Recently, a college acquaintance reached out to me. It was kind of out-of-the-blue, but in the process she revealed to me some issues she was having with anxiety. What a leap it can be sometimes just to tell another person our anxieties no matter how intimate or removed we may be from them. I'm still working on owning my own anxious being and learning how to share with others my fears. Sometimes that is an exercise like writing this blog, more often it is just being honest when someone asks me how I feel about different parts of my life.

I hope more people are less anxious than I am. But, no matter your personal experience, I hope we can all work to embrace those who support us and our fears. Good night--don't let the anxiety bite.

Some thoughts on love

I've been spending a fair amount of my recent spare time pondering love--what it is, the experience of it and what the "state of love" address might sound like if we were at all serious about its place in the human experience. There are a number of routes of conservation to consider in this topic, but one that I return to in perpetuity is the many ways fear comes hand-in-hand with love or at least the possibility of it.

We fear rejection of unrequited affections. We fear the withdrawal or abandonment that we risk when accepting love offered by others. Love makes us want to expose the parts of ourselves that we fear others may abuse, reject or find incomprehensible.

It is, in many ways, a smart thing to resist. If you've got a reasonably strong defensive drive, keeping love out makes good sense. This doesn't mean being an outright asshole or a hermit, but it can cut a great many things out of our lives because we don't want to accept the risks, hard work and even directly negative aspects of being love.

All of these fears connect to a lack of trust in ourselves. If you feel reasonably secure in your sense of self, it may still hurt when others reject you or your ideas--but you don't see it as the final judgement of who you are. Relationships which involve love, however, are occasions where we can dig down to those deepest parts of ourselves, including the never totally excised vulnerabilities that are intrinsic to our human state.

Such relationships are opportunities to know ourselves and others in ways that we cannot do on our own or "out-of-love" members of a relationship. Being alone and having relationships that don't include love are certainly good in their own ways. I think, however, it is easy to lull ourselves into a sense of security by avoiding love. The real truth is those deepest insecurities reside with us whether or not we open ourselves up to the opportunities to know others in a loving way where we can acknowledge our fears.

If a whole life is spent without taking the risk of love, it is also spent without the connections that can help us find some kind of acceptance of the fragility of being human.

Here's just a short clip of one of the many thinkers whose ideas are helping me ponder love these days:

I don't need marketers to tell me what's beautiful--and I don't think you do either.

Let me preface this whole post by saying that I am glad to see the continuing and growing of conversations about appreciating beauty in a range of body sizes and that I don't think we should just ignore the representations made in mass media and marketing. 

With all that in mind: I don't give a fuck about "body diversity" in the modeling industry. Why? Because I'm already too pissed at advertising. I don't think it really matters if every high fashion house's advertising campaign and every Target flyer in your Sunday paper could capture over the course of the year the breadth and depth of diversity in human bodies--at the end of the day, they are only doing it to sell you shit you don't need! 

As long as our definitions of beauty and value to come from people that are trying to sell us something, they are probably going to continue to suck. Sure, capitalism has learned some tricks: maybe it is better to run a campaign on self-worth than degradation to get people to buy your product. Still, the change only comes about because something sells better.

I don't want my conception of beauty to be defined by marketers who see my successful understanding of "beauty" in the amount of dollars I spend on their brand. If we care about the messages people are getting from clothing advertising, we need to establish and critique the basic framework of marketing. Marketing doesn't exist to tell us the truth or to help us find alternative options: marketing exists to help those doing the marketing. 

You don't need marketing to tell you what's beautiful. Yet, many young people grow up with a large part of their understanding of the world being framed by what marketing tells them. So, I am happy people are criticizing the lack of body diversity in modeling, but we need to follow up on those critiques with action with young people. This means talking straightforwardly and frankly about where our aesthetic values come from and how the worth of another person never comes from their aesthetic presentation to us.

Let's stop buying the bullshit of beauty marketing and start enriching our own lives with a new concept of the value of beauty that doesn't include dollar signs.

A pause

I had a few different things I thought about writing about over the course of the week. Yesterday, a high school classmate of mine died. It is a case of feel sad, but also like I'm not entitled to feel sad at all. I feel angry and sad while also feeling removed, separated from what is happening at home. I tried writing out some of the ideas from earlier in the week, but it's just not happening. I'm planning on a new post next Sunday.

Until then--M

Adulthood in vitamins and mugs

After the last two posts on expectations in my more idealized view, I've been ruminating on my current experience of expectations on an individual level. Specifically, I have been thinking about the sensations of feeling like a "real adult." I've reached that point in life where I work full-time, exercise regularly, take a multivitamin (almost) every morning--but, I've even got a coffee cup emblazoned with my work logo. There are a number of things that go into feeling one has reached "adulthood"--whatever the fuck it is, actually. I think the real sensations that are worth seeking and developing are more nuanced than any category of "adult".

Being an adult really just comes down to your expectations about what an "adult" is/does. There's no real definition beyond arbitrary line drawing that doesn't account for individual variety. In my case, a lot of what I thought being an adult would be was based on expectations I formed from the "adults" in my childhood. These people who were older than me, supposedly in charge, were my main frame of reference. They continue to hold sway over my subconscious expectations, but the more time I spend thing about those expectations and their origins, the more I come to have my own definition of adulthood.

None of these outward markers really define for me the responsibility and autonomy that I am seeking. Additionally, I am not seeking some title to put behind my name like a Ph.D--I don't need a certificate of adulthood. The attributes I want for myself are ones that I want to be developing for the rest of my life. For example, while I don't think remembering to take my multivitamin makes me an adult, being able to carryout the long-term self-care activities demonstrates to me a new phase of my intrinsic motivations. I hope that I can continue expanding on these small forms of self-care and self-knowledge.

These adult-status items are not unimportant in terms of being able to work on these more existential aspects. Having a job give me financial freedom to experiment with my own self-efficacy in all parts of my life. There are a great many things that the world tells us are "what adults do" can be part of the process of knowing ourselves, but they are not determining factors.

Am I an adult? Depends on who you ask, but personally I couldn't care less. I do care that I am becoming more response-able, efficacious, self-confident, self-aware and free from superficial expectations. I'm not over all the Midwest farm girl hopes that were held for me, but I am getting better at recognizing that they were never held by my hands. The harder step, for me, is knowing this person I am becoming and struggling to communicate that process to those who want to see my "adulthood" as aimed at some kind of stasis.

It can be a challenge to express to another person your own infinite process of becoming; I certainly don't think it can ever be fully communicated. There will likely still be times that I have to present myself to world at-large as a checked-off list of "adult to-do" items. But, for myself, I can live with ambiguity of being a life-long child with growing to be done.

I know what I need: pass the junk food please

H.T. to A. for the inspiration for the following. It's in very rough form, but I wanted to get it out there to be able to reflect on it more in the future. 

Say your not one of the so-called "expecationless" I was critiquing last week. You have your expectations, you know what you want--but, we don't always get what we want. Life is not a vending machine or, if it is, it's one of those that can eat all your quarters and still give you a dozen pulverized granola bars instead of a Mars bar.

Success in relationships is not about just coming up with a list of demands, presenting them to another person and saying "Take it or leave it." Certainly, there are some things you should not compromise on--your health, your safety and your emotional well-being. Beyond the basic decency and respect I desire from all human beings, what is reasonable to expect from those I foster personal relationships with?

By the time we get into our 20's, most of us have known at least one person we would call "demanding" in relationships. These are the people who boarder on deranged when their significant other fails to communicate with them at least twice every hour or who threatens to never speak to their friend again after the person cancels on hangout despite seeing that person multiple times in the week. We don't criticize these people for knowing what we want or being able to state clearly their desires. Instead, we see an inconsistency between this person's perception and the reality of the world around them--which is at once a part objective experience of the limitations of the world and part the work of a shared subjective experience.

To what degree any of us gets to know "reality" is a philosophical question I'd rather not get bogged down in right now, but I will go ahead an lay out my own belief about truth-development between two people. There are a number of limitations on any of our expectations, and those limitations can be misunderstood on two main levels. Our unrealistic/unhealthy expectations may develop from an internal perception about the external limits which does not match up with the demands of external world. Alternatively, these unmeetable expectations may develop from a internal perception of the other person's ability/desires that does not match with the other's actual internal experience.

For example, consider a person "A" who is mad at their partner "B" for not returning a call or text message while "B" is at work. I think, for most of us, this is a pretty clear unrealistic demand. However, the problem with the expectation runs deeper than the instance of annoyance. First, let's state the expectation as something more basic: partners should communicate openly and without avoidance. Nothing expressly wrong with expecting open, direct communication from your partner. There is a move, however, between this more basic expectation to "checklist" item or demand that the partner should be answering messages or calls while at work. I think that move has to do more with each person's perception

It could be this A's perception is out of sync with the external limits that are part of B's life: most workplaces don't appreciate their employees taking personal calls when they should be working. However, this probably has more to do with a mismatch between the separate perspectives of A and B and the one they think they are sharing. Whether its jealousy, insecurity or something else, an emotional state or subconscious psychological issue maybe causing them to see a skewed version of what's going on. They may comprehend consciously that others cannot be expected to answer at every moment of the day, but their perception of the world through insecurity may cause them to negate that as the reason B does not respond to their attempts at communication.

So, the message is sent by A and B does not respond until their lunch break. If A is frustrated by this because of the more external misunderstanding, it can probably be resolved with ease. Maybe A has a job where you can take time for personal calls during the day without issue. The fundamental expectation "partners should communicate openly and without avoidance" still remains true for both partners, and can be upheld through communication about what is an isn't possible due to the constraints of A and B's pragmatic work-life demands.

If the issue lies in the more complex, subjective aspect of experience, the expectation may remain true, but is impossible to carry out because the partners are not seeing the same situation. While B sees waiting until an appropriate break or the end of the day to respond as fulfilling "partners should communicate openly and without avoidance," A may be incapable of even considering the pragmatics of the situation due to skewed interpretation of the situation. If A has a jealous tendency, they will shut out reality and reform what information they receive to fit an vision where B must be hiding something when they do not respond instantly.

This is one example, and likely not a good one at that. But I hope it outlines some of the basic ideas. I think we all spend a great deal of our lives trying to understand our own perception of our lives. It is another effort to try to understand the perceptions of others and yet a further move to try and pursue a truth-seeking process with another. It demands empathy, self-knowledge and an ability to critique all of the lenses that lay over our expectations.

I don't mean to make this sound like, "Why the fuck isn't everyone doing these things?" Not at all. It is fucking hard to examine not just our expectations but also the ways some of the deepest parts of ourselves and our experiences will affect how we judge others' fulfillment of those expectations. And, I don't think its an achievable expectation to think we can remove all of these lenses. Self-knowledge is a life-long pursuit, and it is a beautiful thing to be able to embark on that process with friends, family, lovers, pets and yourself. However, the more we can be honest with ourselves and those we embark upon meaningful relationships with, the more we can see the world for what it is--not what we wish it to be.

There is not vending machine, no quarters to insert for a specified outcome: it may even turn out what you thought you were hungry for isn't even available from any letter/number combination. We may know we are hungry for something, we may even know that we want something nourishing, but any number of experiences may keep us from knowing what is nourishing. Emphatic understanding of expectations, ourselves and others are a dynamic flow that join together to help bring us closer to knowing the full truth of what we are seeking and how to find fulfillment.

No expectations

Recently, I've been meeting a lot of my peers who express to me their desire to enter into new relationships with "no expectations." I think this is said with a desire to appear care-free, relaxed and/or open-mined. But, to me, it comes off as being unwilling to think about the consequences of one's actions or to even accept that you have any role to play in the events of your future. 

Some of this may come down to semantics: what do we mean when we say "expectations"? I think, for many people, the word conjures a check-list of demands or requirements. It also tends to include a sense that if these demands are not met, the expectation-holder will sever ties over the deficiency. This sense of expectation is a rubric to be met or a test to pass.

When I ask someone what are their expectations, I am not looking for the Cliff Notes to get an A in a class. Expectations, to me, are about what possible outcomes do you see. We have these for all parts of our lives, but in the context of potential or over romantic encounters, I am asking the other person, "What are the possible future states of relating that you see existing between us?"

The answer to that question, for me, is never a checklist or a scenario I can state off-the-cuff.  It is a dynamic process of discovering yourself, including your desires and limits, and discovering another person, their desires and their limits. It's not about predicting the future or even knowing exactly what you want--but, it is, at bare minimum, an acknowledgement that we are active participants in the relationships we have and their outcomes. 

I don't know how this process sounds to others, but to me it sounds like a great joy! I cherish the time spent with others who want to discover themselves, to think about their motivations and stumbling blocks. I appreciate even more the opportunity to have a dialogue with another person who wants to discover the common ground, the common possibilities when we come together in community. It is an exercise in honesty, trust and truth discovery about ourselves, the other person, our relationships and the world at large, which we come to know in new ways through our relationships with others.

Nihilism of the "no expectations" variety may come across as easy-going and care-free, but it is actually a simple denial that we are responsible parties to our futures. "No expectations" is saying "no" to considering the possible worlds we may know through and with others and "no" to our role in doing so for others. 

So give me your expectations! Don't be afraid to be honest about your needs, your concerns--don't be afraid to dream of the future. Let your open-mindedness come from a willingness to grow and change, to have expectations and evolve and bring you closer to others through empathy. Leave the so-called casual experience of others behind and take the plunge: you may actually get to know someone and even a bit about yourself along the way.

* While I've framed this mostly in the realm of romantic relationships, I would posit that this is an aspect of all relationships and is something one could participate in with someone before adding a romantic element to that relationship.

Remember that one time I set a writing goal?

So, remember that one time I made a kind-of-sort-of commitment to writing on this blog? How did that turn out again?

Anyways, I can't forever let things get away from me hinder a new try can I. So, for now, this will be a less ambitious writing project, but one I will try to have some commitment to nonetheless. I have, of course, chosen to start writing here again at a very stressful and busy time at work, but I think that makes the "writing for fun" even more important to me now.

But, thinking about failed habit forming attempts is a good endeavor. I usually discover something about myself, my interest in the habit I was pursuing and my own motivations in life in the process. One of the most important parts of that, I think, is understanding from where my motivations spring. So much of my own childhood was spent with people who see the world quite differently than I do, down to their values and expectations for others. Being at an age where I am financially secure enough to really make choice for myself in a practical way also requires reflection on how I make choices emotionally and through my own psychological history.

The most complex part about this that I do not feel like I was prepared for at all in any of my education is just how often I am going to make decisions only to later reflect and see how I was "choosing" for someone else, not myself. This is not to say I am seeking to only ever make decisions with my own self-interest in mind, but I am seeking to find my own motivation for all of my decisions in life. Whether it is the work I do, my hobbies or the people with whom I spend my time, I seek self-knowledge and self-direction in the actions that make up those practices and relationships.

Will this be another "failed" habit attempt? I do not think it is possible: every attempt at creating a new habit in ones life is an opportunity to learn from what you think you want and into what you will actually put the time and effort. I look forward to the discoveries.

AGH! I missed a day...also, today's kinda lame....

Okay, I was almost asleep last night before I realized I never wrote a blog...and I don't really feel like writing one today. I'm going to give myself a pass with the traveling and stressing and the general sound of "ahhhhhhhhHHHHHH!!!!!'''' in my head. Tomorrow, I will be in a hotel room with nothing better to do, so I promise something legit.

Here's to being human. And lazy.

My First Voting Box Experience

I've voted since I was eighteen, but I've always done it via absentee ballots. Tennessee only allows absentee voting under a few circumstances, so this year I early voted in person. Aside from being told to smile by a stranger (one of my pet peeves), it was a great experience. Loads of super friendly senior citizens helped me through the process, my phone almost didn't work (which is where I had written down all the candidates I wanted to vote for) and in the end, I got my little shot at democracy.

Even though money continues to roll-over genuine democracy across this county, I am not deterred from voting. I am not deterred from volunteering for the candidates I believe in. Seeing all the people who showed up for just the first day of early voting for a municipal election, it isn't enough, but it is enough to not give up, yet.

So, thank you to all the people who help make democracy possible--poll workers, people willing to run for office ethically and every person who takes the time to make an educated vote. I am going to keep questioning what I can do to be a better citizen, and I hope part of that is going to be encouraging and enabling others to do the same. Here's to democracy--grab on tight and fight like hell against anything that gets in the way.

"Normal" and Bodily Integrity

This new study " analyzed forensic interviews conducted by Children’s Advocacy Center (CAC) with 100 youths between the ages of three and 17 who may have been sexually assaulted," and found that these women experienced objectification, sexual harassment, and abuse on a daily basis. And, many of them see it as "normal." I have ton of angry feelings about living in a world where this is such a massive problem, but rather than rant, I want to think about what we can do to change this situation, the one where rapes go unreported and abuse becomes a part of people's lives.

No matter who you are, you have bodily integrity. What does this mean? This means your body is your own dominion. You are, by right of being born in your body, the king, queen and/or motherfucking court jester of your one and only body. Because you live in a society with others, often times your behaviors have to be modified for the greater well-being of all, but, in large part, your bodily choices don't affect anyone else. The clothes, makeup and hairstyles you done are your choices. People will judge you for those choices, but the fact remains they are your choices to make. (As far as the game of what things are deemed socially acceptable appearance-wise, I'm leaving that to another day.)

Let's say one day I get a priceless gift. Something thoughtful, considerate and beautiful. Then, someone comes by and, without saying anything, grabs that gift from me and breaks off a piece of it. They hand it back to me and say, "That's what those are for." Generally, that person is a grade A asshole. This is also an overly simplistic description of what people are doing to your bodily integrity when they harass or abuse you. Without your consent, they harm something of great worth that belongs to you. You are the arbiter of who does and does not get to touch you. You are also the arbiter of your conversations. If someone approaches you with and interest you do not share, it is your call to tell that person you aren't interested, politely. If they don't back down, that person is being the jerk--not you.

What I am trying to say is what is common is not acceptable. Despite everything I said, the world out there is not going to acknowledge the integrity of each individual's body and the choices they make with their body. Why? Because it's normal to see people as objects. It is normal for relatives to make disapproving remarks about children who don't like their hugs or "complain" about being tickled. It's normal for people to judge the sex lives of strangers by the clothes they wear or the amount of make up on their faces. If no one ever tells you, if you just have to learn from experience in the world, the message is clear--your body is an object in the world for objectification, harassment and abuse of others. 

Let's start telling our children, let's start telling our partners and friends: I respect you, even when the world at large seems to have lost any sense of the verb, and I will help you. Help one another when we struggle with lack of self-esteem and our ability to believe we deserve respect. Help when we see someone's integrity being breached in anyway. Help people find healing and justice when they have suffered from this "normal" world. "Normal" doesn't change until the conversation does. Help build a new normal of bodily integrity.

Home Away from Home

In a span of less than four months I will have driven over 3,000 miles. I am developing a certain kind of exhaustion from my peripatetic behavior, but with experience comes skill. I am becoming a well-honed road-tripping person. At the same time, there are always a few new weird firsts.

For example, I am a master of the road trip music mixing. I have my own comfort blend between different musical genres for all points in the journey with a good mixing of public radio thrown in to balance the sound waves out. At the same times, this upcoming journey will be my first where I stay in a hotel room by myself (in America).

I have stayed a number of place on my own before, but always as just a launch pad for exploring the area. Who cares about sleeping in a cold, damp hostel room when you spent the day roaming Venice and eating gelato? (Okay, I cared a little bit. I don't think I was properly dry till I was home for a week afterwards.) It is different, however, just to spend the night somewhere because you know your body is physically incapable of continuing to drive.

I am trying to view this trip as an opportunity to explore my overnight location, but I'll honestly probably want to go lounge in a hot tub curl up under lots o' blankets and sleep a solid nine hours. Sometimes having a home away from home isn't so much of an adventure and more of a necessity. Anyways, I'll see how it goes.

Should rape be considered a special class of violence?

Trigger warning: discussion of rape and sexual violence

Caitlin Moran, a columnist for The Times Magazine in the UK, wrote an article back in January advocating that we need to start seeing rape as just another form of violence. I only found this piece yesterday after finding a link she posted to the whole article without having to pay to read it. I wanted to talk about her article and the question of whether or not violence that involves sexual acts deserves a special kind of consideration. I want to start of by saying that I think Moran is shining a light on an important problem surround dealing with sexual violence, and I think her article is a piece worth reading, but I still have a lot of reservations and concerns.

Moran's argument stems from the complicated relationships human beings have with sex and its related subjects. She argues that because of our confused, conflicted and complicated relationship with sex as a species, we should stop using the words rape and sexual crime. As she states, "A word so hard for an injured woman,--or a man, or a child--to say, now that we've used it in too many places, for too many disparate things, for it be functionally descriptive of a crime." She offers alternative names for these crimes, such as internal assault, intramural attack or even just assault.

It think Moran is absolutely right that sexuality can often blur subjects that are actually quite straightforward. If it didn't, there wouldn't be so many conservatives in America claiming they want less government regulation while working to place laws on the books allowing businesses to discriminate against homosexuals. The issue, I think, is that Moran's argument jumps from "sex confuses us as humans" to "therefore, we should leave it out of our considerations of crimes." But, she never examines whether or not sexuality deserves any separate consideration in criminal proceedings.

Rape and other kinds of sexual crimes are clearly seen as acts of violence in cases like the one Moran examines (more on that below), but what about cases of spousal or partner rape? What about cases of manipulation that never reach the point of penetration? Is there a good reason why people seem, in general, more offended by a person raping a child than beating them?

Sex is complicated, but I think for a range of reasons that cannot be easily dismissed. Some of them are just poor cultural constructs, taboos. However, sex is also one of the bigger acts of physical trust we will make with another person. I would also argue that it is, for many, one of the biggest acts of intimacy, of emotional risk-taking. Sex is not just culturally and politically charged because of patriarchy (though I do not wish to dismiss that factor, either). Sexual acts and behaviors have value to people as people. They become parts of our identities: we go so far as to gather under flags with the people like us and who support us in our sexual orientations, identities and behaviors. Sex is not the only important factor in how we see ourselves and our value in the world, but it sure as hell is one of them.

Moran sets her article in light of a comment of the defense lawyer representing three of the men charged with the gang rape and murder of woman on a bus in Delhi, India. The lawyer, Manohar Lal Sharma, said, "Until today, I have not seen a single incident or example of rape with a respected lady," and insisted the woman was "whole responsible" for her death. I think Moran correctly points out that, when dealing with sexual crimes, we often see the victims as attacked below before we recognize them as attached above: "It's become another argument about men and women and desire and politics and culture. Rather than what it is--what all rapes are: one human ripping another human being to pieces."

I think this is where Moran makes her strongest point, which is that we should never use the sexual aspect of a crime to down play the fact that it is a crime. No matter how the harm is done, no matter the gender, number, intoxication, age, relationship, etc. between the persons involved, it remains harm. Our first concern should be for justice for the victims as whole persons, not as sexual objects. It is never just a crime from below.

I am glad people like Moran are writing about this subject and making it a part of our cultural conversation. We certainly do need to rethink how we discuss and approach crimes involving sexuality, but I do not think we can simply subtract the sexual aspect from these cases. Sex is too much a part of being human, and ultimately justice is for the protection of humanity in its variety. I will stand with Moran in saying that I hope we can all stop using victim-blaming or a persons sexuality or sexual behavior (real or simply perceived) to make judgement about those coming forward with criminal complaints. It is a favor we can extend to all victims, to all criminals, to see them as whole, dynamic and immensely complex human beings for whom we we will work for justice.

What's on the reading pile?

I had nice stroll up to my public library today. The ability to read books from across the world for free (almost always) is pretty fucking amazing. Additionally, I have had the great fortune of so many great librarians helping me research my own personal interests, for school and for work. I grew up in near a town without a public library beyond the school, so college was the first revelation to me of what an amazing public service these places are for our communities.

Anyways, rather than raving to the internet void about my love of libraries, I thought I would share what is on my reading pile, today, courtesy of my local library.

1) "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal," by Christopher Moore

This irreverent novel gives a glimpse into the earlier years of life of Jesus through his often sinning best friend, Biff. I'm about two-thirds of my way through this one. I think it's probably funniest to those who had a Christian upbringing and have the context for more of the jokes. I'm reserving judgement until I finish.

2) "Crazy Horse and Custer," by Stephen E. Ambrose

Boy, I have been working on this one for awhile. Despite not being a history lover, I have been enjoying this book, but it also comes with the price of many annoyances if you are much informed about Native American history or culture. I only get through a chapter every couple days, but I think I'm going to stick it out.

3) "East of Eden," by John Steinbeck

Okay, should have called this list "List of books I'm taking forever to read." I started reading "East of Eden" over a year ago, but then I was traveling a lot and I am just now getting back to picking it up. I hated the first Steinbeck novel I read, "The Pearl," but only because the story was sad and I was 16. Now, a couple more novels in, I am in love with the storytelling.

4) "The Meat Racket," by Christopher Leonard

I just picked this one up today. I've been looking forward to reading Leonard's expose on the meat industrial complex in the United States. I'm not looking forward to how dead depressing it is likely going to be, but to have the in depth analysis this book is suppose to provide will be very helpful, I think, for determining my own approach to the problem.

There are, of course, many more books in the pile, but these are the ones I am most actively pursuing currently. What are you reading? Any good suggestions?

The Idols of Categorical Thinking

Today, I read Cindy Hoang's blog titled, "What It's Like to Be a Girl Who Codes." One thing she said stuck out: as a clear demonstration of how gender inequality impacts everyone negatively: "During that entire week, I struggled to see the guys as equals. To me, they always seemed to know so much more, use bigger words, and essentially, be better programmers. " 

There is nothing beneficial about making gods of a group of people or an individual. Role models, people who inspire us, people who encourage us to be better versions of ourselves--a good things. But, when we use categories to make people into pure saints (or sinners), we are denying the most basic aspects of humanity--most especially its complexity. Even the best among us have made, make and will make more mistakes. Sometimes the best role model is the person who teaches us how to admit to making bad choices and to move forward, making better ones for the future.

When a woman enters a so-called "male domain" with the connected belief that it is a male domain because men are best at that thing, it can decrease her willingness to question the behavior of these "superiors." Alternatively, when a person enters a domain with a belief that they are systemically inferior to the majority in that system, the opportunities for manipulation and abuse grow. 

The fact is, whether or not someone is better at a given skill or activity than you are, they do not get any extra moral value. You can be a fantastic mathematician and be a total asshole. You can be a fantastic mathematician and still make mistakes.

No category should ever keep us down and out. You should value your skills because they are yours and you can develop and explore them with others. You should see others as worthy of notice in a field not because they are better than you, but because of their efforts in relation to themselves. Often times we have the great fortune of learning from people who have much more knowledge on a given subject, and, when we are lucky, these people help us realize the value of that knowledge for ourselves without idealizing them or degrading ourselves.

Municipal Political Research Quagmire

Despite my job being in political research, I think I find figuring out who and what I support on the ballot just as tough as the next guy. That gets even worse when it comes to my upcoming municipal primary. Sure, a large part of the ballot is running unopposed, but I'm not going to tick a box just because someone's the only person running from my party.

Even in the more contested races, it can be next to impossible to find credible information that can help you decide. In the end, most voters have to vote uninformed in these elections no matter how hard they try. Having to rely political advertisements or auto-biography pieces on campaign websites is no way to make an informed citizen choice.

Until public money starts to pull its weight, voter information will continue to suffer, and not just in these local elections. We need better public education about our political systems and how to making voting choices. We need publicly funded, apolitical voter pamphlets to make information accessible and unbiased. If we cannot get more informed voters into the ballot boxes, how can we hope to lessen the sway of private money on our government?

Comfort Cake

When I want to cook something that is totally relaxing and makes me feel snuggled up and cozy, I usually end up making on of my grandmother's recipes. Today, that was raw apple cake.

I've heard over and over that smell is one of the strongest senses for connecting to memory. I don't know if there is science behind that or not, but when it comes to comfort food, it seems true. I love how even after the details have long faded from specific instances of eating my grandmother's cooking, smelling it brings back the same warm, loving feeling that she created every time she cooked.

Food is one of the most literal ways we demonstrate our desire to nurture one another and ourselves. I think that is why I connect so strongly to my grandmothers recipes. They bring me back to that most primitive parts of myself that she fostered in me, that most basic security she provided. I wish that I could give that feeling to each person who eats my cooking just by using her recipes, but the fact is those feelings developed for me because of her constancy and consistency in her care and providing for me.

There's nothing really magical about raw apple cake--well, there is for me, but in general, it's just damn tasty cake. The magic in cooking is the time and effort we give to one another, to give pleasure to our senses and nurturance to our bodies. Even though I can't make this cake magical for you in an instant, I hope sharing it with the people I love can be part of creating that feeling for our whole lives.

Without further ado--Raw Apple Cake!

4 cups chopped apples
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup oil
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 cups of flour

Chop the apples as finely as you like, but at least into 1/2 cubes. The smaller you cut them, the more juice there will be and the more tender, light the cake becomes. Mix the chopped apples and sugar. You can/should cut down on the sugar depending on the sweetness of your apples. For example, today I used only a cup because my apples were moderately sweet. If you use red delicious, I would not go over 1 cup; if you use granny smith, you can sneak up closer to 2 cups. Let the apple and sugar set together to macerate the apples. I try to wait at least 30 mins.

Stir oil, beaten eggs and vanilla into the apple mixture. Combine dry ingredients in another bowl, then stir into wet. Pour it into cake pan (9"x13" ish), and bake for 30-40 mins at 375 degrees ferinheight.  Cool slightly, enjoy while still warm.

Neti Pots: I'm a believer!

I've been told by many a sinus sufferer that neti pots are like a magical soak bath for your mucus sacks (okay, maybe they didn't use those words). I think the only thing that held me back till now was fear of drowning myself/just being to stupid to do it.

If you have any such fears at all and have sinus problems--get over the fears! It is not a cure-all, but it has been a really big help for me so far. I'm just using it every other day, but it is making me feel much better than just taking an antihistamine everyday does. If you are new to this nose party, neti pots are a way to perform nasal irrigation, which is essentially a little rinse for your snot factory. This helps clear out mucus, but also thins it so to help the cilia move the mucus out of your head (instead of getting stuffed up).

My only grip is that the one I found is plastic and claims to need to be replaced every three months. Even though I doubt that timeline, it is incredibly flimsy and I don't think it will have a long life. So, now I'm on the hunt for a more durable option.

Now, you know more than you every wanted to about what I shove up my nostrils! But, seriously, check the neti pots out.

Wandering Thoughts

Today, one of my friends texted me asking if I was moving to the city I currently live in--and, I wasn't quite sure how to answer. I mean, I live here now. I'm going away to where I grew up for about a month, but then I'll be coming back. But, I'm also looking at possibilities of moving elsewhere--grad school, ESL teaching abroad, prospective jobs.

Being a bit rootless can be fun. I have the luck of living in the age of world wide connectivity through the internet, so I can stay in touch with the people I love wherever I go. It means I don't have much to drop to grasp for new opportunities, but it can also be sad to think about why its so easy to pick up and leave.

What does it mean to connect or disconnect in the age of internet? In someways, you never have to be alone, but the technology can consume more and more of our days till we don't remember the last time we had a face to face conversation--ones where we catch the glints in one another's ideas when we find our passions.

Today's a bit of a ramble, but it's what is rolling through my mind today. Tomorrow, I'll aim for a more coherent topic.

Gift of Time

Today, I watched 14 episodes of NBC's "Parks and Rec" with my family. This information will probably give you some insight into why my mind feels like a pile of unproductive mush right now, as well as why I had a little difficulty coming up with something to write about today. However, in the parts of my day not spent binge watching television, I also spent sometime considering volunteer opportunities that I want to join. These two things make me wonder about the true value of "my time."

As a part-time, low income earner who is passionate about justice in the world, I sometimes feel at a loss for what I can do to make an impact on the issues that I think are most critical at this time. Sometimes, it is not so difficult. Sometimes, it is just making the choice to stop using plastic bags and other efforts to reduce my personal waste. Other times, I am walking though a shoe store with my cousin and feeling just overwhelmed by the crushing meaninglessness of our consumption society and think how little an impact I make with my personal choices.

Volunteering is a way for me to organize with others so that we can amplify the impact of our personal choices. Shared caring creates a space for more people to join in. It can do something as simple as increasing viability for an issues or something as complex as organizing solutions to problems. No matter the degree of change a volunteer group seeks to make in the world, that change is possible because people come together to share their gifts, especially their time.

I cannot spend 24 hours a day, every day working on the projects that I believe will make our world a better place to live--partly because I need a paycheck (which I am fortunate to get from a source that I think is part of making a better world),  but also because SLEEP! Coordinating allows for services to be provided more broadly than individual kind hearts can manage. I do not have the resources or time to try to provide food for the hungry on a daily basis, but I can partner with other people to make that possible.

I know I am not telling the world anything it does not already know about volunteering. But, in the age of all day TV binges, I think it is important to remind ourselves that it does not take sacrifices of our entire lives--or even the almost entire day I wasted on TV--to make a difference. Joining with others, recognizing our role in and overcoming social problems takes just a little bit of time and it enriches all the other hours of our lives.

The Purpose of a Character Education

Yesterday, I read Martin Luther King Jr.'s essay, "The Purpose of Education," for the first time. It has all the elements that one expects from King's clear, articulate and passionate thought. What struck me while reading it, however, is how little we have done to make head way on the idea of education as being more than simply fostering intelligence.

This quote, in particular, sticks with me:

"We must remember that intelligence is not enough. Intelligence plus character--that is the goal of true education. The complete education gives one not only power of concentration, but worthy objectives upon which to concentrate. The broad education will, therefore, transmit to one not only the accumulated knowledge of the race but also the accumulated experience of social living."

 I know that the majority of educators who taught me had a goal of fostering character as well as intelligence. I do not think that the importance of character is a strange mystery to be unlocked. However, our actions have not demonstrated that we understand how serious it is for human kind. Sure, my school had a "Character Counts" program, but that was a few hours a month, with no other concerted, systemic effort being made outside of that time.

It is not enough to take character on as a secondary quality. As King states, we cannot discern legitimate goals without an education that helps us develop the necessary skills for it. I am grateful for all the people in my life who cared that I be not only "smart" or informed but also compassionate and possessing integrity. Those attributes, my character, is what helps me decide the just ways to obtain and utilize information for myself and the world. Intelligence is simple brute force until with have the ability to discern the goals to which it can and should be turned.

Creative Recreating

One of the greatest powers the internet has given us is the freedom to write, rewrite, play, replay--over and over. It's an endless creative space that allows for ceaseless commentary.  I'm a big fan of finding inventive musical covers on the internet. Sometimes these covers are just about rediscovering favorites in new ways, other times they make palatable to me music that I find completely unappealing.

I think the interest in all kinds of homages, from fanfiction to musical covers, demonstrates something beautiful about the creative instinct in human beings. To me, it is a demonstration that what drives creativity is not the opportunity to do something that has never been done before--but to do something in a way that suits you. Perhaps creativity can be thought of as finding the blend of our interests with our abilities. It is fun to write your own stories or songs, to perform or create a unique work--but, who doesn't just want to belt out the Beatles sometimes (or whatever music you love)?

At the same time, I think it is an interesting division to try and define between copying and covering a creative work. It seems a cyclical news story to talk about how the current pop stars are ripping off one or another musician.

This song, for example, samples from Elvis Costello's song, "Pump it Up." The only reason I discovered the original is because in the YouTube comments, some people were debating the creativity, or lack thereof, in looping the catchy guitar rift from it. The internet has also become a place for not letting such "borrowing" go unnoticed. So, in someways, the copy/cover divide becomes a matter of public opinion--a crowd arbitrating whether or not to ostracize you for plagiarism or to embrace you as a creative off-shoot.

What do you think? What is just outright copying and what is creative recasting in the age of internet media?

After the storms...

I recently finished reading "Salvage the Bones" by Jesmyn Ward. This book was a fascinating and saddening read. Now that I am finished, I'm not sure if I would say I liked reading it, but I will say that I think it is a good book. Some stories are like that for me; I do not like reading them, but I am glad to have read them.

Ward's book follows the main character, Esche, through the twelve days lead up, into and after hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana in 2005. Despite its quite recent setting and events, I was amazed at how many times as I was reading about Esche's days I felt like she lived in the 1950s. Growing up without a mother or any sense of what sexuality is or can be, Esche's life is consumed by the men she is surrounded by: her alcoholic father, her three brothers and a slew of her brother's friends. She reads Greek mythology and idealizes Medea as she struggles with sex, power and looming motherhood as a child. She watches her brother, Skeeter, as he cares for his fighting dog and her litter of young pups and ponders the issues surrounding nurturing and especially what happens when we do not get it.

This story was unsettling to me because it left me feeling worried for all the people that humanity continues to leave behind. We cast them as backwards, ignorant, rednecks. It is fine to seek an end to ignorance, as much as it is possible, but we have to start seeing it as a symptom of an imperfect system. This divide where we see our "educated" selves as above, or at the least pitying, those uniformed beneath us has to end. Humanity has an amazing capacity for knowledge, but those who have lacked opportunity to grow in curiosity are still human.

I think Ward does a beautiful job of showing the logic that a young girl is forced to make out of a senseless world. Esche stretches her curiosity, but without the facts and the nurturing she needs within reach, she comes to conclusions and makes decisions that set her on a course to single, young motherhood. Curiosity is not enough--the storm makes landfall and reveals Esche's pregnancy. The reality is that her mother is dead, Medea is a myth and Esche lives at the whim of storms that cannot be calmed by her longing for knowledge.

Diversity in Media

Today, I wanted to share this video from PBS Idea Channel on Youtube:

I was recently talking about similar ideas (more about TV and movies) with my family at the dinner table. We have a friend who is very passionate about the misrepresentation of non-white non-male characters, and one of my family members was feeling a bit weary of our friends zeal for the subject.

So, one the one hand, I feel that it is completely valid to sometimes be annoyed with our loved ones and their passion projects, especially when they are ones we don't feel strongly connected to--but, part of our inability to be passionately connected to this is part of the problem. Being a privileged person means that we have only a small sense of being removed from our media representations of culture, so it can be easy for us to paint those who point these injustices out to us as hysterics. We make them into that indiviudal's problems, not things worth working on together, and that is a loss for us as a human community. 

As much as I want every person to feel free to be an individual who needs no label to know themselves, I also realize that human development relies on modeling. That means that we must ensure diverse models for children to observe if we want to reach for a society where groupings do not matter. I want to live in a world where people can be valued as individuals regardless of their group affiliations. However, that is not the world we live in today. The only way we can get there is by continuing these conversations, by not be blinded by privilege to the point of hiding others oppression. 

It is not comfortable to confront the fact that society is designed to make some of us comfortable and simultaneously ignoring or misrepresenting the majority. But, I want the value of individual acknowledgement to be extended to every person. And in the end, this will make life better for everyone (including cisgendered, heterosexual, white males) because then we will have the opportunities to flourish and reach for our highest forms of being. Our successes would be our own--not belonging to our "tribe"--and, therefore, open to be shared with all.

Anyways, this is a subject that I want to spend more time reading and thinking about because I know I rest on the tip of the iceberg. I look forward to discovering more voices, removing my own blinders to see the world as it actual is and not just in ways that are easy on me.

Things that keep me from writing

I think a good place to start on a short term goal (AKA, me writing a blog everyday for a month) is to think about why you are not already doing the thing that is your goal. So, today I want to write about the top three reasons I usually do not write on this blog.

1) Nothing dies on the internet. Living in the age of internet socializing and job searches, its not totally irrational to fear something flippant you say on the internet coming back to bite you in the ass. However, one of the great things about never being able to totally delete the past is that we have an opportunity to live more honestly. If I do say something stupid on this blog, I hope it will be relatively minor. But, I also welcome the opportunity to make mistakes, have them pointed out to me (hopefully in a kind way) and to improve from the experience.

2) English and I--not best friends. This goes somewhat with number one, but is a specific mistake that I know I make (and will continue to make) over and over again. I am no where near an expert at using English spelling and grammar. It is irksome to later read something I wrote and see a huge spelling error. (Case in point, discovering a spelling error in my work e-mail signature. Agh!) The fact is, my brain is not attentive to these kind of details and I don't prioritize them enough. However, writing more gives me an opportunity to work on making these mistakes fewer and, hopefully, less egregious.

3) What can I say that has not already been said? This was a problem for me as a student and it continues now. This belief that I have nothing important to add to the conversation is a real hindrance to developing clear thinking and writing. It encourages me to hide my ideas away from the harsh light of shared conversation, preventing me from improving and refining my thinking. This one is a difficult one to over come, for me, as it is really a matter of self-confidence. For now, I would say, Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self-Reliance" is my best defense against this fear. I will have to reread it this month.

Because of these three aspects, I have several draft blogs laying in wait and many more for which I never even started a draft. I hope that I will get some of these fleshed out and shared with you over the next month. But, sharing is always a risk. The risks of rejection, failure and mistakes can crush any endeavor before it starts. I think, however, it is better for ideas to live out in the world, not hidden away in our minds. If we are in error, we live with a mistaken reality with no hope of remedy. If we have good idea, we might be missing opportunities to clarify and refine our thinking.  I look forward to remedying some of my mistaken perceptions and fine-tuning some of my more accurate ones over the next month.

Writing all of April? What a fool!

In honors of tomorrow being April 1 and due to my desire to get my ass writing again, I've decided to use bad April Fool's Day humor to inform the interwebs that I am writing a blog post every day this April.

Why? Why would I do this to myself? Good question. *Abandons project...then slowly drags fingers back to keyboard*

There are a number of good reasons to set a goal like publishing a blog post everyday for a month. The biggest one being just how important practice is to building habits. I love writing because it helps me clear my head, be more precise with my words and its just plain fun. Despite all the tingling joy it can bring, I have not done a good job of making it a habit in my life. I think I think, work and do better in all areas of life when I do, so I am using this month to work on this skill.

Will this lead to embarrassment when I fail to blog? Will I look like an idiot it I make it through this month and then proceed to take half a year off? Yes and yes, but I can handle it. For now, I am just looking to each coming day in April as an opportunity to practice writing. When May comes, we'll see...

Don't tell me how to parent

Today, I read an online article about parenting strategies for defiant toddlers/children. The article itself was interesting, though not written in a rigorous manner--more of a "here's some things that work for me" tone about it. The distressing part of reading this piece, however, was scrolling through the comment section.

Almost every other comment bemoaned how any kind of parenting that doesn't include spankings and/or "Because I say so" reasoning leads to spoiled, entitled children who think they are the center of the universe and won't listen to anyone. I guess children who aren't spanked or talked-down to enough should be considered strokes of luck when they don't turn out this way? An article written like this, for mass consumption without much in the way of evidence citation for its suggestions, attracts a lot of anecdotal evidence in the comments. My kids, my friends kids, the kids that annoy me when I am in restaurants, etc. all become definitive evidence of the worthiness of differing parenting methods when we don't pause and reflect on those experiences.

Good parenting isn't just guess work mixed with good intentions and a firm hand. There is a lot that we don't know about the science behind child development, and yes, social sciences have pushed parenting methods in the wrong direction in the past. The general avoidance of Freudian thinking these days, however, does not convince me that psychology has nothing of worth to offer the discerning parent. Once upon a time, people used to believe in phrenology. Why is it now considered pseudoscience? Because scientists continued to be critical of all the ideas being presented. I don't doubt all that science has discovered about the human brain simply because it has been wrong in the past.

Parenting is not some liberty or right guaranteed by a government. No, it is one of the most amazing things humans do; bringing new human beings into the world, helping them grow and discover, and embracing that ultimately they are their own separate persons from the start that we do not get to dictate. It is an act of love, and it is also an act of intellect. People spend hours researching what smart phone to buy next, but how many hours do most of us put into research parenting? Not just one style either. How many of us research the consensus and the conflicts that different psychological schools hold towards childhood development?  How many of us will have thought about our own upbringing and go out of our way to discover multiple alternative ways of being raised before we conceive a child? These precious beings come into the world because we have made it so, not because they demanded it. How often do we reflect upon their priceless value and our obligation to aid their formation into adults?

Getting pregnant is pretty easy for many. Writing this blog, an online article, or a comment in response to one about parenting can take only a few moments. What is difficult is to set hubris aside to consider the complex and dynamic thing that it is to parent. It is truly a struggle to not be blind to our own childhood experiences and allow conflicting voices to enter our considerations. I worry that the parent who cannot participate in an open discussion where faults can be admitted with other adults will struggle to show their children the complexity of the world while still keeping them safe.

Of course, most will not take seriously what a 23 year old single person without children thinks. That's okay. I'm not a child expert. I'm not telling anyone what to do when their toddler throws a tantrum or their teenage gets caught smoking. I am asking for parenting to become a topic that is okay to discuss openly, without defenses, and with a willingness to change when confronted with evidence that our behaviors are harming our children. Every parent makes mistakes. Some make big ones. I think we can strive to have fewer and fewer that are permanently damaging to children if we make discussions of parenting and child-parent relationships more open and remove the immediate condemnation of perspectives that challenge our own. It's only possible if our discourse changes from one individual right to not be told how to parent to one of individuals seeking to do what is right for their children's well-being.

Each day I seek courage for myself to be open to what challenges me, the values I hold, and the choices I make in my life. It is a struggle that is endless, but fruitful. I hope for all of us the courage to open ourselves to opposition, that we make seek open discuss with love and compassion about the most important tasks we each undertake in our lives. Let us be friends to one another in seeking right and just actions in addition to knowledge.

Patience for Everyone

Lately, I have been having a bit of frustration with a person in my life. I don't want to air it all here and really the details aren't important for this thought. Here's the bear bones you need to know:

In the midst of a larger not-going-so-well with this person, I sent an e-mail to them. I received a response that didn't really respond to what I had written. It seemed as if the respondent hadn't actually read the entirety of my e-mail, or at least had not read very carefully. My immediate response: how lazy can you be?!?!

I was frustrated and grumpy, and taking it out on those around me. So, I just told them the situation and why I was grumpy--or rather why I thought I was grumpy. As I sat writing before I went to bed last night, with a slightly clearer head about the whole thing, I could see I was really angry at myself.

It's partly because I am stuck in this situation with this person due to some poorly thought out choices of my own, but also because it is one of my main hate spiral subjects. I hate being lazy, inconsiderate, and thoughtless. I don't mean I hate others because of that; I hate that in myself.

Now, I'm not saying I couldn't use some work in these departments. There's nothing wrong with aspiring to being a hard worker, being more considerate of others, and being more careful in one's thinking. The problem for me lies in genuinely devaluing myself when I slip up on these values. About two weeks ago now I made a relatively minor mistake in a painting project, but it was one that would have been totally avoidable if I had just slowed down and been more thoughtful. I've been kicking myself for it ever since.

Making mistakes doesn't make me a mistake, and it certainly doesn't make anyone else one, either.  But, if I can't make room for my own short-comings, it limits how open I can be to the humanity of others. No one has to justify their existence to me, but sometimes I forget that because I'm working so hard to justify my own.

Am I okay with getting frustrated when someone else is inconsiderate to me? Yes, I am human. I get annoyed when things don't go smoothly and according to my plan. However, I am not justified in shaming another person for these behaviors. I don't always know if this is true, of course, but I assume that people generally aren't trying to fuck up my day. I'm usually not--but sometimes, it happens. By our own careless actions we can make life more difficult for one another in a variety of ways, and I mean everything from this minor scheduling problem of mine to our larger global thoughtlessness towards the poor, the environment, and the future.

Shame is a powerful emotion. Taking the time to recognize our desire to shame others often comes from our own personal shame is more powerful. It helps me move forward by slowly washing shame out of my thinking so I can be in a place where I can grow and encourage others in their own paths.


I have this video by Ze Frank to thank for the ability to think more clearly about these ideas. If you struggle with shame in your own life, I encourage you to watch it. I also encourage you to find people with whom you can share your shame. Other people can't make shame go away. Stopping the hiding of our shames, however, cripples their power to cut us off from the love and support that can be found in our lives.

Tax the Sin Away

Tonight, I watched the first half of the evening local news. Local news can be kind of mixed bag at times. Sometimes I am glad I've watched and feel informed and better enabled to participate with my community. Most of the time, I am little bit annoyed by what passes as news. I should note here that due to my rural local "local news" means a city about 140 miles away from me and that covers most of the state.

A couple of stories caught my eye tonight, but one that I wanted to think about here was of a county commissioners work to increase the state alcohol taxes, as well as pursuing the creation of a county tax. His reasons (at least those he stated) for doing so are certainly admirable: He feel responsible for the deaths caused by drunk driving, and is additionally concerned with the added cost to society incurred by alcohol in the policing and the criminal justice system.

These are important concerns, and I am glad to hear about local desire to change the devastating impact of alcohol abuse. However, I worry about this being an overly simplistic view of how to handle such a problem. This commission spoke of using raised taxes to fund the incurred costs of alcohol abuse on the system, and I suppose there is some belief that a raise in price will affect consumption.

But, alcohol misuse and abuse is not so simple. It is not a cost/benefit analysis every time someone gets drunk.  "Can I afford it?," whether I am consider the upfront sticker cost or the potential legal cost of alcohol consumption and misuse, is only one of many factors in these actions. I can tell you as a college student who not only watched many others misuse alcohol and did it herself that the cost was not in the top slots for my reasons to drink or not to drink.

Why people hurt themselves and others through substance, physical, or psychological is complex. There are some uniting factors, but each case has its own unique complications. I could cite a lot of studies to claim the "real cause of abuses." I would like to posit here just one that I think is very important, though certainly not the only.

A lack of self-worth, beyond that being convinced of your disposable nature in the eyes of others drives a number of behaviors leading to painful and often fatal circumstances. Sometimes we hurt ourselves in an attempt to feel worthy, like throwing up to be acceptably small and inconspicuous in a world always watching you "take up space." Sometimes we hurt others because we hurt so much we don't know how to accept kindness. We may only know how to make more companions through shared misery.

My point is, it's pretty hard to be to concerned with the bare bones numbers when you hate yourself enough and are certain that, at the very best, the rest of the world just sees past you. This hurt, in small and big ways, drives all forms of abuse. Taxes most definitely have a place in the fight to reduce this pain and suffering, but it won't happen because alcohol gets too expensive or because we become more afraid of going to jail. We have to create a society that values all of its members in their unique and common traits. And, we must be a society that can open its hearts to the suffering of its members, not to shame or condemn, but to offer comfort--and with healing, hope.

Things otherwise lost in the digital age...

Today, whilst searching for a disc that has the drivers on it for my parents' old printer, I found a mixed CD I made when I was in junior high (I think?). It was a great blast from the past. Here's the playlist for anyone longing to know the musical contents of my refined teenage tastes. Otherwise, skip the bullet list for the mindwanderings listening to it caused.

• Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy--Big & Rich 
• Yep, this list can only gets better from here (I think; I'm listening to the songs as I type this.) As much as I despise lines such as, "I'm a thoroughbread, that's what she said," I'm not ashamed of some great memories I have because of this song. For example, I once road through the tiny village I went to elementary school in screaming this song out the windows with my oldest sister.
• Hey Leonardo (She likes me for me)--Blessid Union of Souls
• Okay, this is a genuine classic from my childhood. "I'm so glad I've found her once again,"--ditto, song, ditto. 90s gold. I'm just sitting and listening to the whole thing right now because my ears have missed the splendid pop culture references. 
• The Distance--Cake
• I think this was one of the first Cake songs I ever heard. I love the guitar during the chorus, and I was definitely hooked into listening to full albums by this song and, of course, "Short Skirt/Long Jacket."
• A Little Less Conversation ft. Elvis Presley--remixed by JXL
• I am a self-professed Elvis hater. The king just does not do it for me. I think it's mostly from hearing, "In the Ghetto," a few hundred too many times on the oldies station (about the only thing that comes in at my parents' house). For this, however, I make an exception. No hatred is pure, I suppose. 
• Havin' a Bad Day--Blue Flannel
• Remember that Bad Day song by Daniel Powter. Yeah, this isn't that one. This is the one for embracing your bad days, declaring "Fuck the world," and leaving silver lining searching for somebody else. (I also like the Powter song. I'm allowed more than one attitude towards bad days.)
• December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)--The Four Seasons
• I'm not sure what to say about this one. I'm going to repeat--the only radio I heard till I was fourteen what the oldies station. This belongs in a folder with Crocodile Rock. I could probably live without it, but why not?
• Minority--Green Day
• Listening to Green Day was probably the most badass thing I could think of doing when I made this CD. Still, a little bit pleased that it managed to be the follow up to The Four Seasons. Eclecticism for the win!
• Are you gonna be my girl?--Jet
• This was the definitive tune of eighth grade. I remember my whole class singing along to this to drive my geography teacher nuts--I especially remember one male classmate doing a very enthusiastic dance across the room. 
• Breakaway--Kelly Clarkson
• I laughed out loud when this one started to play. I think I will just go ahead and skip to...
• Black Dog--Led Zeppelin
• My brother got me into Led Zeppelin with this song. Today, I would probably put Immigrant Song above this, but still a great tune.
• Hey, Hey, What Can I Do--Led Zeppelin
• Not sure why this one got on the CD, still good, but I'm not sure why I was into lyrics about "untrue women." It was probably the guitars...
• Our Lives--The Calling
• Good generic positive 2000s music. Really don't have much more to say about that one.
• Teacher's Pet--from the movie, School of Rock
• I found this movie hilarious at the time, and I was also really into learning rock music at the time. Yet, somehow I've never learned any instrument for a traditional rock band--unless someone can tell me of a rock band with a lead harpsichord player.
• Broken--Seether
• I was really into the band Evanescence in junior high, so when Amy Lee did this song with Seether, of course I had to have it. 
• Lullaby--Shawn Mullins
• What else did this guy sing? I'm pretty sure this is the only song I heard by him, but it was gold to my teen ears. I think I must have heard this on Scrubs? I really don't know.
•  I Kissed a Drunk Girl--Something Corporate
• This song and Constantine are probably the only Something Corporate songs I listened to until I learned that Jack's Mannequin was actually the pianist for these guys. One of my high school friends and I joked this was our theme song, despite the fact that no one has ever kissed this girl whilst she was drunk. 
• Concrete Girl--Switchfoot
• I still love a lot of songs by these guys, but I hadn't listened to this in a while. 
• Teenage Dirtbag--Wheatus
• This was also a platonic relationship theme song. I also had no idea who Iron Maidien was when I heard it. Or an IROC.
• Seven Nation Army--The White Stripes
• Ah, the beginning of another long running musical love affair. Still enjoying these guys. Jack White on his own, not as much, but I can't deny his amazing musical skills.

So, there you have it. A musical road map to the weirdness of my former self. The amazing thing about listening to this CD now is mostly just thinking about how if this was a play list on my iPod, I would have just deleted it after awhile. Instead, with this CD I have a kind of record of an exact moment when I had to decide what was good enough to burn on to a non-re-writable disc. It makes me a little less anxious to throw away old parts of myself, like when I come across old birthday cards and letters. I can't hold on to all of these things forever. In the age of digital temporality, I want to be able to hold on to things like this a little more. 

Which ebooks am I reading? Which parts are the most interesting in them? I can't just look at which parts of the spine I broke from rereading passages over an over again. Am I embarrassed to be the girl that thought all of these songs were cool enough to require disc format? Not at all. I love getting to look back on who I was, even just in terms of what songs I was obsessed with, only a decade or so ago. It is a reminder to me in the age when you can take a thousand photos and delete them all in an instant that there's nothing wrong with documenting, preserving, and rediscovering my own weirdness. Don't delete all those terrible selfies or throw out old journals without first taking a little time to rediscover who you were and how you have become the amazing you that is in the now. 

Math, determinism, and the future: A review of "An Abundance of Katherines," by John Green

If someone could tell you the path of every romantic relationship you would ever have using mathematics, would you want to know?

John Green explores just such a concept in his young adult novel, "An Abundance of Katherines," which was the first book I read in 2014. As you read the novel, you follow Colin through the aftermath of his nineteenth break-up with a girl named Kathrine. More importantly, however, you get to follow Colin as he tries to understand whether or not he "matters."

I think almost any person reaching a new point of departure in life has to struggle with this dilemma. We reach the edge of some part of us--intelligence, relationship skills, confidence in a skill, etc.--and we wonder, "Why should anyone care about who I am?" Green uses Colin, a high school graduate and "former" child prodigy to take this idea to the extreme. Colin is a person who has been pushed to the edge of his abilities since he was young, by parents, himself, and others. It is what made him different, notable, and simultaneously unpopular with most.  But, what do you do when this thing that defines you is no longer so special and different? How can you know that you matter?

I do not want to spend a lot of time laying out the plot of this book. You can go to wikipedia for that. Rather, I wanted to focus a little bit on the concepts of determinism and free will that Colin is challenged by in this story and how those concepts connect to a sense of self-worth. Colin spends much of his time trying to create a mathematical formula that would express each of his previous nineteen break-ups. He tries to express in an equation how variables, such as popularity, determine who will break up with whom in a relationship. Despite his best efforts and, indeed, succeeding to graph his previous relationships, he eventually has to grapple with the fact that this equation cannot predict the future for new relationships. 

The question I asked myself when Colin comes to embrace this new found freedom in the face of his mathematical work is, "What does this say about determinism and relativism?" Colin's work to reduce his relationships down to abstract graphs shows a common human desire to be able to pin down every last detail, to know in advance. Think of all the science fiction where one tries to escape their own death after seeing the future. Does our failure to know the future or to know it and still fail to prevent it show that seeking knowledge is useless?

I do not think that is the point to take away from this book. Rather, I am drawn to the fact that Colin did not know very much about himself (or others) at the beginning of the story, and it is that deep reflection and study of his previous relationships that sets in motion all the things that allow him to break the cycle and start creating new patterns in his life. He has to understand his old sense of self-value in relationships (and in his intellectual pursuits) before he can see his self-worth that exists beyond those things.

At any rate, I would whole heartedly recommend this book to anyone interested in YA literature. It was a quick read full of laughter and good points for anyone pondering their mattering. Full disclosure: I am a pretty big fan of John Green. This is the fourth book by him I have read, and I follow the Youtube project that John does with his brother Hank Green, vlogbrothers. I might be biased. :)