If you ever watched "The Jungle Book" as a kid, you probably remember that scene where Kaa sings the song "Trust in Me" to Mowgli. I loved the movie as a kid, less so now, but I have been thinking of Kaa, trust, and Mowgli.
My ability to trust comes down to my sense of security in the world around me. This applies to my trust in myself, others, the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow, and that life is worth living. Overall, I would rank my feeling of safety as pretty minimal, but that is a ranking I was probably not capable of even thinking about before now. The last two or so years have been an important part of my growing sense of safety in the world, but just yesterday I had a somewhat disappointing moment where I realized the depth of my deficit. I have taken great strides in developing trust with others, and I continue to stride out into the world believing in the possibility for change, for improvement.
So far, no magical solutions have presented themselves to me (or fairy godmothers, come to think of it...). But even at this time that I am feeling to full force of my own insecurities, I realized how looking them in the face is the only thing that allows me to move beyond them. It is like living your whole life in a black and white world and one day discovering that everything is covered in a thick layer of powder. Rubbing it away, you begin to see a range of colors that for you have no name. This new information changes your whole perception of your past. You realize that there was a fundamental lack. You never experienced the lack before, and only with the revelation of the colors can you know that there was one. It shakes up the whole picture and introduces an ache in knowing that you lived with such profound lack for so long.
Despite whatever negative feelings arise because of this knowledge, you now live in a world with a fuller spectrum available to you. Yes, you live with the knowledge of all you did not know before, but slowly you begin to name the colors around you and over the course of your life you continue experiencing more and more shades and hues. It is work to blow away all the dust, but slowly life becomes more and more colorful.
I could not begin to feel a real sense of safety without realizing how absent the feeling was in the past, for me. It has thrown me into confusion, anger, and occasional despair. But, beyond the tumult I have been getting glimpses of what a fuller sense of safety in the world might feel like for me. It does not make the pain go away from realizing the former lack in my life, but it does open up a whole perspective on my relationships with others. It is not a complete picture. In fact, I am not sure anyone gets it all colored in their lifetime. But, there is something to strive for and even one corner colored in will be such an amazing thing to behold.
I am not sure how others experience trust and safety, so if you feel inclined, I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Do you feel safe? How do you decide to trust? What do you do when you feel unsafe or that your trust has been violated?
I hope as you read this you are safe or finding your way to safety.
--------------------------------------------------
Watching, Reading, Eating
Pumpkin Cheesecake
Preheat oven to 325 degrees
For crust:
2 c. crushed gingersnaps
5 T. melted butter
For cheesecake:
1.5 lbs. cream cheese (allow to set at room temp for an hour before making)
15 oz. canned pumpkin
3 whole eggs +1 egg yolk
.25 c. sour cream
1.5 c. sugar
1 t. vanilla
2 T. flour
1 t.. cinnamon
.5 t. ginger
.25 t. nutmeg
.25 t. cloves
.25 t. allspice
Special equipment: springform pan, a roasting pan large enough for the springform pan to set in it
Crush gingersnaps in a food processor. Add melted butter and pulse till well mixed. Press firmly into the bottom of a greased springform pan. Bake in preheated oven, one rack level down from the middle, for 10 to 15 minutes, just until the scent of the gingersnaps is quite fragrant.
Meanwhile, in a stand mixer, beat the cream cheese for three minutes on medium. To reduce the moister content of the cheesecake, spread the pumpkin on a double layer of paper towels and press the top with another double layer of paper towels. The pumpkin will easily peel off the paper towel. Add to the cream cheese and beat well. Scrape down the bowl between each following addition. Add the eggs one at a time, allowing them to be well incorporated. Then, beat in the sour cream and vanilla till well incorporated. Next, add the sugar. I find it useful to mix the spices with the flour before adding because it prevents getting clumps of spices once they are in with the liquids. After mixing them together, sprinkle the mix across the top of the cream cheese mixture, and mix till dispersed, but do not over beat.
Wrap the bottom of the cheesecake in a double layer of foil so that it can go in a water bath. Pour in the batter and smooth off the top. Place in the roasting pan and set in the oven. Then carefully pour enough boiling water into the roasting pan to come up 3/4 of the height of the pan. Bake for approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes. The cooking time can vary some, but you can tell it is done when it firm around the edges and the soft center's temperature reads 145 to 150 degrees on an instant read thermometer. Remove from the oven and allow to cool in the water bath for approximately 45 minutes or until the water is lukewarm. Then remove the pan from the water bath, and place in the fridge for at least 4 hours or overnight. Before releasing the springform, run a thin, sharp knife around the circumference to release the sides cleanly. Allow to set at room temperature 30 minutes to an hour before serving. Enjoy!
