Lately, I have been having a bit of frustration with a person in my life. I don't want to air it all here and really the details aren't important for this thought. Here's the bear bones you need to know:
In the midst of a larger not-going-so-well with this person, I sent an e-mail to them. I received a response that didn't really respond to what I had written. It seemed as if the respondent hadn't actually read the entirety of my e-mail, or at least had not read very carefully. My immediate response: how lazy can you be?!?!
I was frustrated and grumpy, and taking it out on those around me. So, I just told them the situation and why I was grumpy--or rather why I thought I was grumpy. As I sat writing before I went to bed last night, with a slightly clearer head about the whole thing, I could see I was really angry at myself.
It's partly because I am stuck in this situation with this person due to some poorly thought out choices of my own, but also because it is one of my main hate spiral subjects. I hate being lazy, inconsiderate, and thoughtless. I don't mean I hate others because of that; I hate that in myself.
Now, I'm not saying I couldn't use some work in these departments. There's nothing wrong with aspiring to being a hard worker, being more considerate of others, and being more careful in one's thinking. The problem for me lies in genuinely devaluing myself when I slip up on these values. About two weeks ago now I made a relatively minor mistake in a painting project, but it was one that would have been totally avoidable if I had just slowed down and been more thoughtful. I've been kicking myself for it ever since.
Making mistakes doesn't make me a mistake, and it certainly doesn't make anyone else one, either. But, if I can't make room for my own short-comings, it limits how open I can be to the humanity of others. No one has to justify their existence to me, but sometimes I forget that because I'm working so hard to justify my own.
Am I okay with getting frustrated when someone else is inconsiderate to me? Yes, I am human. I get annoyed when things don't go smoothly and according to my plan. However, I am not justified in shaming another person for these behaviors. I don't always know if this is true, of course, but I assume that people generally aren't trying to fuck up my day. I'm usually not--but sometimes, it happens. By our own careless actions we can make life more difficult for one another in a variety of ways, and I mean everything from this minor scheduling problem of mine to our larger global thoughtlessness towards the poor, the environment, and the future.
Shame is a powerful emotion. Taking the time to recognize our desire to shame others often comes from our own personal shame is more powerful. It helps me move forward by slowly washing shame out of my thinking so I can be in a place where I can grow and encourage others in their own paths.
I have this video by Ze Frank to thank for the ability to think more clearly about these ideas. If you struggle with shame in your own life, I encourage you to watch it. I also encourage you to find people with whom you can share your shame. Other people can't make shame go away. Stopping the hiding of our shames, however, cripples their power to cut us off from the love and support that can be found in our lives.
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