Adulthood in vitamins and mugs

After the last two posts on expectations in my more idealized view, I've been ruminating on my current experience of expectations on an individual level. Specifically, I have been thinking about the sensations of feeling like a "real adult." I've reached that point in life where I work full-time, exercise regularly, take a multivitamin (almost) every morning--but, I've even got a coffee cup emblazoned with my work logo. There are a number of things that go into feeling one has reached "adulthood"--whatever the fuck it is, actually. I think the real sensations that are worth seeking and developing are more nuanced than any category of "adult".

Being an adult really just comes down to your expectations about what an "adult" is/does. There's no real definition beyond arbitrary line drawing that doesn't account for individual variety. In my case, a lot of what I thought being an adult would be was based on expectations I formed from the "adults" in my childhood. These people who were older than me, supposedly in charge, were my main frame of reference. They continue to hold sway over my subconscious expectations, but the more time I spend thing about those expectations and their origins, the more I come to have my own definition of adulthood.

None of these outward markers really define for me the responsibility and autonomy that I am seeking. Additionally, I am not seeking some title to put behind my name like a Ph.D--I don't need a certificate of adulthood. The attributes I want for myself are ones that I want to be developing for the rest of my life. For example, while I don't think remembering to take my multivitamin makes me an adult, being able to carryout the long-term self-care activities demonstrates to me a new phase of my intrinsic motivations. I hope that I can continue expanding on these small forms of self-care and self-knowledge.

These adult-status items are not unimportant in terms of being able to work on these more existential aspects. Having a job give me financial freedom to experiment with my own self-efficacy in all parts of my life. There are a great many things that the world tells us are "what adults do" can be part of the process of knowing ourselves, but they are not determining factors.

Am I an adult? Depends on who you ask, but personally I couldn't care less. I do care that I am becoming more response-able, efficacious, self-confident, self-aware and free from superficial expectations. I'm not over all the Midwest farm girl hopes that were held for me, but I am getting better at recognizing that they were never held by my hands. The harder step, for me, is knowing this person I am becoming and struggling to communicate that process to those who want to see my "adulthood" as aimed at some kind of stasis.

It can be a challenge to express to another person your own infinite process of becoming; I certainly don't think it can ever be fully communicated. There will likely still be times that I have to present myself to world at-large as a checked-off list of "adult to-do" items. But, for myself, I can live with ambiguity of being a life-long child with growing to be done.