Don't tell me how to parent

Today, I read an online article about parenting strategies for defiant toddlers/children. The article itself was interesting, though not written in a rigorous manner--more of a "here's some things that work for me" tone about it. The distressing part of reading this piece, however, was scrolling through the comment section.

Almost every other comment bemoaned how any kind of parenting that doesn't include spankings and/or "Because I say so" reasoning leads to spoiled, entitled children who think they are the center of the universe and won't listen to anyone. I guess children who aren't spanked or talked-down to enough should be considered strokes of luck when they don't turn out this way? An article written like this, for mass consumption without much in the way of evidence citation for its suggestions, attracts a lot of anecdotal evidence in the comments. My kids, my friends kids, the kids that annoy me when I am in restaurants, etc. all become definitive evidence of the worthiness of differing parenting methods when we don't pause and reflect on those experiences.

Good parenting isn't just guess work mixed with good intentions and a firm hand. There is a lot that we don't know about the science behind child development, and yes, social sciences have pushed parenting methods in the wrong direction in the past. The general avoidance of Freudian thinking these days, however, does not convince me that psychology has nothing of worth to offer the discerning parent. Once upon a time, people used to believe in phrenology. Why is it now considered pseudoscience? Because scientists continued to be critical of all the ideas being presented. I don't doubt all that science has discovered about the human brain simply because it has been wrong in the past.

Parenting is not some liberty or right guaranteed by a government. No, it is one of the most amazing things humans do; bringing new human beings into the world, helping them grow and discover, and embracing that ultimately they are their own separate persons from the start that we do not get to dictate. It is an act of love, and it is also an act of intellect. People spend hours researching what smart phone to buy next, but how many hours do most of us put into research parenting? Not just one style either. How many of us research the consensus and the conflicts that different psychological schools hold towards childhood development?  How many of us will have thought about our own upbringing and go out of our way to discover multiple alternative ways of being raised before we conceive a child? These precious beings come into the world because we have made it so, not because they demanded it. How often do we reflect upon their priceless value and our obligation to aid their formation into adults?

Getting pregnant is pretty easy for many. Writing this blog, an online article, or a comment in response to one about parenting can take only a few moments. What is difficult is to set hubris aside to consider the complex and dynamic thing that it is to parent. It is truly a struggle to not be blind to our own childhood experiences and allow conflicting voices to enter our considerations. I worry that the parent who cannot participate in an open discussion where faults can be admitted with other adults will struggle to show their children the complexity of the world while still keeping them safe.

Of course, most will not take seriously what a 23 year old single person without children thinks. That's okay. I'm not a child expert. I'm not telling anyone what to do when their toddler throws a tantrum or their teenage gets caught smoking. I am asking for parenting to become a topic that is okay to discuss openly, without defenses, and with a willingness to change when confronted with evidence that our behaviors are harming our children. Every parent makes mistakes. Some make big ones. I think we can strive to have fewer and fewer that are permanently damaging to children if we make discussions of parenting and child-parent relationships more open and remove the immediate condemnation of perspectives that challenge our own. It's only possible if our discourse changes from one individual right to not be told how to parent to one of individuals seeking to do what is right for their children's well-being.

Each day I seek courage for myself to be open to what challenges me, the values I hold, and the choices I make in my life. It is a struggle that is endless, but fruitful. I hope for all of us the courage to open ourselves to opposition, that we make seek open discuss with love and compassion about the most important tasks we each undertake in our lives. Let us be friends to one another in seeking right and just actions in addition to knowledge.

Patience for Everyone

Lately, I have been having a bit of frustration with a person in my life. I don't want to air it all here and really the details aren't important for this thought. Here's the bear bones you need to know:

In the midst of a larger not-going-so-well with this person, I sent an e-mail to them. I received a response that didn't really respond to what I had written. It seemed as if the respondent hadn't actually read the entirety of my e-mail, or at least had not read very carefully. My immediate response: how lazy can you be?!?!

I was frustrated and grumpy, and taking it out on those around me. So, I just told them the situation and why I was grumpy--or rather why I thought I was grumpy. As I sat writing before I went to bed last night, with a slightly clearer head about the whole thing, I could see I was really angry at myself.

It's partly because I am stuck in this situation with this person due to some poorly thought out choices of my own, but also because it is one of my main hate spiral subjects. I hate being lazy, inconsiderate, and thoughtless. I don't mean I hate others because of that; I hate that in myself.

Now, I'm not saying I couldn't use some work in these departments. There's nothing wrong with aspiring to being a hard worker, being more considerate of others, and being more careful in one's thinking. The problem for me lies in genuinely devaluing myself when I slip up on these values. About two weeks ago now I made a relatively minor mistake in a painting project, but it was one that would have been totally avoidable if I had just slowed down and been more thoughtful. I've been kicking myself for it ever since.

Making mistakes doesn't make me a mistake, and it certainly doesn't make anyone else one, either.  But, if I can't make room for my own short-comings, it limits how open I can be to the humanity of others. No one has to justify their existence to me, but sometimes I forget that because I'm working so hard to justify my own.

Am I okay with getting frustrated when someone else is inconsiderate to me? Yes, I am human. I get annoyed when things don't go smoothly and according to my plan. However, I am not justified in shaming another person for these behaviors. I don't always know if this is true, of course, but I assume that people generally aren't trying to fuck up my day. I'm usually not--but sometimes, it happens. By our own careless actions we can make life more difficult for one another in a variety of ways, and I mean everything from this minor scheduling problem of mine to our larger global thoughtlessness towards the poor, the environment, and the future.

Shame is a powerful emotion. Taking the time to recognize our desire to shame others often comes from our own personal shame is more powerful. It helps me move forward by slowly washing shame out of my thinking so I can be in a place where I can grow and encourage others in their own paths.


I have this video by Ze Frank to thank for the ability to think more clearly about these ideas. If you struggle with shame in your own life, I encourage you to watch it. I also encourage you to find people with whom you can share your shame. Other people can't make shame go away. Stopping the hiding of our shames, however, cripples their power to cut us off from the love and support that can be found in our lives.

Tax the Sin Away

Tonight, I watched the first half of the evening local news. Local news can be kind of mixed bag at times. Sometimes I am glad I've watched and feel informed and better enabled to participate with my community. Most of the time, I am little bit annoyed by what passes as news. I should note here that due to my rural local "local news" means a city about 140 miles away from me and that covers most of the state.

A couple of stories caught my eye tonight, but one that I wanted to think about here was of a county commissioners work to increase the state alcohol taxes, as well as pursuing the creation of a county tax. His reasons (at least those he stated) for doing so are certainly admirable: He feel responsible for the deaths caused by drunk driving, and is additionally concerned with the added cost to society incurred by alcohol in the policing and the criminal justice system.

These are important concerns, and I am glad to hear about local desire to change the devastating impact of alcohol abuse. However, I worry about this being an overly simplistic view of how to handle such a problem. This commission spoke of using raised taxes to fund the incurred costs of alcohol abuse on the system, and I suppose there is some belief that a raise in price will affect consumption.

But, alcohol misuse and abuse is not so simple. It is not a cost/benefit analysis every time someone gets drunk.  "Can I afford it?," whether I am consider the upfront sticker cost or the potential legal cost of alcohol consumption and misuse, is only one of many factors in these actions. I can tell you as a college student who not only watched many others misuse alcohol and did it herself that the cost was not in the top slots for my reasons to drink or not to drink.

Why people hurt themselves and others through substance, physical, or psychological is complex. There are some uniting factors, but each case has its own unique complications. I could cite a lot of studies to claim the "real cause of abuses." I would like to posit here just one that I think is very important, though certainly not the only.

A lack of self-worth, beyond that being convinced of your disposable nature in the eyes of others drives a number of behaviors leading to painful and often fatal circumstances. Sometimes we hurt ourselves in an attempt to feel worthy, like throwing up to be acceptably small and inconspicuous in a world always watching you "take up space." Sometimes we hurt others because we hurt so much we don't know how to accept kindness. We may only know how to make more companions through shared misery.

My point is, it's pretty hard to be to concerned with the bare bones numbers when you hate yourself enough and are certain that, at the very best, the rest of the world just sees past you. This hurt, in small and big ways, drives all forms of abuse. Taxes most definitely have a place in the fight to reduce this pain and suffering, but it won't happen because alcohol gets too expensive or because we become more afraid of going to jail. We have to create a society that values all of its members in their unique and common traits. And, we must be a society that can open its hearts to the suffering of its members, not to shame or condemn, but to offer comfort--and with healing, hope.

Things otherwise lost in the digital age...

Today, whilst searching for a disc that has the drivers on it for my parents' old printer, I found a mixed CD I made when I was in junior high (I think?). It was a great blast from the past. Here's the playlist for anyone longing to know the musical contents of my refined teenage tastes. Otherwise, skip the bullet list for the mindwanderings listening to it caused.

• Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy--Big & Rich 
• Yep, this list can only gets better from here (I think; I'm listening to the songs as I type this.) As much as I despise lines such as, "I'm a thoroughbread, that's what she said," I'm not ashamed of some great memories I have because of this song. For example, I once road through the tiny village I went to elementary school in screaming this song out the windows with my oldest sister.
• Hey Leonardo (She likes me for me)--Blessid Union of Souls
• Okay, this is a genuine classic from my childhood. "I'm so glad I've found her once again,"--ditto, song, ditto. 90s gold. I'm just sitting and listening to the whole thing right now because my ears have missed the splendid pop culture references. 
• The Distance--Cake
• I think this was one of the first Cake songs I ever heard. I love the guitar during the chorus, and I was definitely hooked into listening to full albums by this song and, of course, "Short Skirt/Long Jacket."
• A Little Less Conversation ft. Elvis Presley--remixed by JXL
• I am a self-professed Elvis hater. The king just does not do it for me. I think it's mostly from hearing, "In the Ghetto," a few hundred too many times on the oldies station (about the only thing that comes in at my parents' house). For this, however, I make an exception. No hatred is pure, I suppose. 
• Havin' a Bad Day--Blue Flannel
• Remember that Bad Day song by Daniel Powter. Yeah, this isn't that one. This is the one for embracing your bad days, declaring "Fuck the world," and leaving silver lining searching for somebody else. (I also like the Powter song. I'm allowed more than one attitude towards bad days.)
• December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)--The Four Seasons
• I'm not sure what to say about this one. I'm going to repeat--the only radio I heard till I was fourteen what the oldies station. This belongs in a folder with Crocodile Rock. I could probably live without it, but why not?
• Minority--Green Day
• Listening to Green Day was probably the most badass thing I could think of doing when I made this CD. Still, a little bit pleased that it managed to be the follow up to The Four Seasons. Eclecticism for the win!
• Are you gonna be my girl?--Jet
• This was the definitive tune of eighth grade. I remember my whole class singing along to this to drive my geography teacher nuts--I especially remember one male classmate doing a very enthusiastic dance across the room. 
• Breakaway--Kelly Clarkson
• I laughed out loud when this one started to play. I think I will just go ahead and skip to...
• Black Dog--Led Zeppelin
• My brother got me into Led Zeppelin with this song. Today, I would probably put Immigrant Song above this, but still a great tune.
• Hey, Hey, What Can I Do--Led Zeppelin
• Not sure why this one got on the CD, still good, but I'm not sure why I was into lyrics about "untrue women." It was probably the guitars...
• Our Lives--The Calling
• Good generic positive 2000s music. Really don't have much more to say about that one.
• Teacher's Pet--from the movie, School of Rock
• I found this movie hilarious at the time, and I was also really into learning rock music at the time. Yet, somehow I've never learned any instrument for a traditional rock band--unless someone can tell me of a rock band with a lead harpsichord player.
• Broken--Seether
• I was really into the band Evanescence in junior high, so when Amy Lee did this song with Seether, of course I had to have it. 
• Lullaby--Shawn Mullins
• What else did this guy sing? I'm pretty sure this is the only song I heard by him, but it was gold to my teen ears. I think I must have heard this on Scrubs? I really don't know.
•  I Kissed a Drunk Girl--Something Corporate
• This song and Constantine are probably the only Something Corporate songs I listened to until I learned that Jack's Mannequin was actually the pianist for these guys. One of my high school friends and I joked this was our theme song, despite the fact that no one has ever kissed this girl whilst she was drunk. 
• Concrete Girl--Switchfoot
• I still love a lot of songs by these guys, but I hadn't listened to this in a while. 
• Teenage Dirtbag--Wheatus
• This was also a platonic relationship theme song. I also had no idea who Iron Maidien was when I heard it. Or an IROC.
• Seven Nation Army--The White Stripes
• Ah, the beginning of another long running musical love affair. Still enjoying these guys. Jack White on his own, not as much, but I can't deny his amazing musical skills.

So, there you have it. A musical road map to the weirdness of my former self. The amazing thing about listening to this CD now is mostly just thinking about how if this was a play list on my iPod, I would have just deleted it after awhile. Instead, with this CD I have a kind of record of an exact moment when I had to decide what was good enough to burn on to a non-re-writable disc. It makes me a little less anxious to throw away old parts of myself, like when I come across old birthday cards and letters. I can't hold on to all of these things forever. In the age of digital temporality, I want to be able to hold on to things like this a little more. 

Which ebooks am I reading? Which parts are the most interesting in them? I can't just look at which parts of the spine I broke from rereading passages over an over again. Am I embarrassed to be the girl that thought all of these songs were cool enough to require disc format? Not at all. I love getting to look back on who I was, even just in terms of what songs I was obsessed with, only a decade or so ago. It is a reminder to me in the age when you can take a thousand photos and delete them all in an instant that there's nothing wrong with documenting, preserving, and rediscovering my own weirdness. Don't delete all those terrible selfies or throw out old journals without first taking a little time to rediscover who you were and how you have become the amazing you that is in the now. 

Math, determinism, and the future: A review of "An Abundance of Katherines," by John Green

If someone could tell you the path of every romantic relationship you would ever have using mathematics, would you want to know?

John Green explores just such a concept in his young adult novel, "An Abundance of Katherines," which was the first book I read in 2014. As you read the novel, you follow Colin through the aftermath of his nineteenth break-up with a girl named Kathrine. More importantly, however, you get to follow Colin as he tries to understand whether or not he "matters."

I think almost any person reaching a new point of departure in life has to struggle with this dilemma. We reach the edge of some part of us--intelligence, relationship skills, confidence in a skill, etc.--and we wonder, "Why should anyone care about who I am?" Green uses Colin, a high school graduate and "former" child prodigy to take this idea to the extreme. Colin is a person who has been pushed to the edge of his abilities since he was young, by parents, himself, and others. It is what made him different, notable, and simultaneously unpopular with most.  But, what do you do when this thing that defines you is no longer so special and different? How can you know that you matter?

I do not want to spend a lot of time laying out the plot of this book. You can go to wikipedia for that. Rather, I wanted to focus a little bit on the concepts of determinism and free will that Colin is challenged by in this story and how those concepts connect to a sense of self-worth. Colin spends much of his time trying to create a mathematical formula that would express each of his previous nineteen break-ups. He tries to express in an equation how variables, such as popularity, determine who will break up with whom in a relationship. Despite his best efforts and, indeed, succeeding to graph his previous relationships, he eventually has to grapple with the fact that this equation cannot predict the future for new relationships. 

The question I asked myself when Colin comes to embrace this new found freedom in the face of his mathematical work is, "What does this say about determinism and relativism?" Colin's work to reduce his relationships down to abstract graphs shows a common human desire to be able to pin down every last detail, to know in advance. Think of all the science fiction where one tries to escape their own death after seeing the future. Does our failure to know the future or to know it and still fail to prevent it show that seeking knowledge is useless?

I do not think that is the point to take away from this book. Rather, I am drawn to the fact that Colin did not know very much about himself (or others) at the beginning of the story, and it is that deep reflection and study of his previous relationships that sets in motion all the things that allow him to break the cycle and start creating new patterns in his life. He has to understand his old sense of self-value in relationships (and in his intellectual pursuits) before he can see his self-worth that exists beyond those things.

At any rate, I would whole heartedly recommend this book to anyone interested in YA literature. It was a quick read full of laughter and good points for anyone pondering their mattering. Full disclosure: I am a pretty big fan of John Green. This is the fourth book by him I have read, and I follow the Youtube project that John does with his brother Hank Green, vlogbrothers. I might be biased. :)