Knowing you on Facebook

I have been off of facebook for a while now. I don't honestly remember when I deleted (or deactivated, or whatever-the-heck it is called...) my account. I definitely went through a withdrawal period, and from time to time I have found myself discovering things I miss about having it. On the whole, I am happy with my life without facebook, but I still spend a lot of time thinking about how facebook effects my socializing still, today.

Facebook has been a popular subject of discussion for talking about privacy, social development, self-perception, and so on. Recently, I heard it remarked upon that facebook is sort of like a biography. Largely autobiography, but with the additional information provided by secondary authors in the form of friends who post to your wall with pictures and words. It is interesting to think of facebook as a large part of social interaction, not just maintaining but also the development of new relationships, in a context that face-to-face interaction could never provide.

For example, say I meet someone while wandering through my local used book shop. We exchange a few words, find we like the same author, and this person tells me that they are in a book club that I really ought to check out. "Find me on facebook!" they say, and so I go home and find this new acquaintance on facebook. We become facebook friends, and from there they send me a message with the data for the next book club meeting.

But, I am being given access to more than just that. With only a few moments of in-person interaction, I suddenly have access to all kinds of information about this person (the amount, of course, depending on how much they choose to share on facebook). I can potentially know who their family members are, what their religious background is, if they've been married before, their sexuality, who their friends are, what kinds of music they like, and on and on and on...

Maybe it is the idea that knowledge is power that can make it appealing to have access to this much data about another person's life with just a few clicks. There are certainly great possibilities to having that knowledge, but it is also knowledge largely without context.

I think humans have a strong preference for teleological views of most of our lives. We seek endpoints to aim at, to work towards, to worship. I am not say that it is not worth setting goals to work towards, quite the opposite in fact. The problem is failing to realize that that life is entirely process without endpoint. It is a building, tearing down, re-creating process that never stops.

Just as being a good person is an ongoing verb, not a possession that one gets after doing good deeds, relationships with other humans are processes. They are amazing intertwining of multiple individual becomings, as well as group becomings in their own right. I do not love getting to know my friends because I see our relationship as me discovering them through data that I slowly uncover and know about them. Rather, I cherish the friendships where I share in becoming with another person. We share music and food, ideas and emotions. They become the people who help form your decisions, who challenge you to be better. It is a blessing to find people you can  share your becoming with and an even greater gift to have others share their becoming with you.

It is a process. No amount of raw data about another person is equivalent to spending three or four years sharing time with that person, over food, hobbies, and silent moments. I am glad  for the many ways technology allows me to keep growing together with my friends across the country and the world, but at the end of the day I must remember is but a tool. The process is something we people must do with one another.

Congruency, inside out and back in again

Recently, I came across some quotes from Gandhi speaking about the importance of congruency between our thoughts and actions. It is that basic concept of authenticity, that you are what you say and do.

I am not one of the world's most congruent people. I strive for it, true, because I do believe that Gandhi gave a good starting definition for happiness when he said that "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Still, I struggle. Why? Why is it so difficult to be congruent in word and deed?

I think it ultimately comes down to trust. Trust in others and trust in ourselves. For me, a big challenge to speaking my mind is fear of rejection. If I do not trust the people I am with, I will find it incredibly challenging to say what I think, let alone to say it in the way that feels most genuine to how I think. These situations make me feel inclined to borrow words from wiser or, at least, more quoted human beings who have spoken on the subject. In the worst cases, it can make me become a mirror of the person with which I speak. I adopt the other's manner towards the subject for fear of them rejecting anything against that view.

But, it goes deeper than that. We all face these times of rejection in the form of others' opinions. Sometimes it is easier to stand up to them, other times it is more challenging. This is because ultimately the trust that we need to be ourselves must be placed in ourselves.

Trusting yourself means knowing that who you are is valid. That  means not only you as a person with a particular opinion on a subject of conversation, but you as a person who has and will  continue to change your mind. I do not think people who believe they are right trust themselves. Confidence that you are in the right is not trusting yourself. That is a kind of faith that goes by the name of hubris in the most extreme cases. Instead, trust in yourself allows you acknowledge your self as valid in the world. It also allows you to change your mind because you know that you being "right" in the world is not the same as being "right" in an argument.  Your existence is good; it is good to be in the world. No matter how many arguments you lose, not matter how many times others can wave the flag of righteousness above your head--your existence is valid just in its being. No one, you or others, can prove you. You are worthy just in your being.

But, from being comes the call to be that which you are honestly, not hide behind what you think others want or need from you. That, I think, is the challenge of congruency. It is struggle to know you are worthy not only of yourself, but of recognition in the world. So much so, that you will fight to have your voice heard. Your voice--not the voice of popular opinion, coercion, or hubris.

In a program here at the women's prison, we use this saying: I am unique, I am important, and I am irreplaceable.  Without knowing this about ourselves, we are fall into the orbit of others' opinions without evaluating them. With it, I think we can all speak with clear voices, learn from one another, and be open to changing, growing--even if that means admitting you were in the wrong before.

But wrong or right--your actions matter because they come from you. I hope to live my life in a way that reflects what is inside to the world and acknowledges what I put out into the world is me. From that clarity, I hope to be kinder to myself and to others. It is a process, but it is one that, for me, has this refrain:

I am unique, I am important, and I am irreplaceable. 

Past, Generosity, and Future

Currently, I am weighing a big financial decision. It is one of those, "I am a grown-up" shocker moments, where I realize I have the power to really fuck up my life with a few decisions. Or, you know, these decisions could make life awesome...

Anyways, aside from the general angst of trying to make big commitments with big consequences, I am dealing with an additional problem: accepting help. My parents have offered to help me out with these expenses if I choose to take them on. It seems like it should be a no brainer: someone offers to make your dreams possible, to get a start on these long-term goals. Yet, I am resistant.

I find it very hard to trust people, even my parents. It is hard for me to believe others want me to succeed and want to share in the creation of my happiness by helping me financially. Why? What is it about life that makes me, and perhaps others, so unwilling to believe others care about our happiness?

I actually do know a lot of what makes me wary of trusting. I know and I try not to let it rule my life. But, I cannot stop having those feelings, even if I know they come from the past and are not reflective of the contemporary situation. It is one of the hardest truths in life, I think, to acknowledge that the feelings are real, even if they are not actually about the current situation. It is okay to be afraid of the things we are experiencing in the present because they recall a difficult or complicated aspect of our past. It is okay to stress about decisions because it is difficult to tell why we are making them: is it about what I want now or what I wanted so long ago?

Here's to generosity, and even more to those who can openly embrace it. I hope I can join you one day.

Killing the Cat

Curiosity is a prerequisite for every kind of education. Whether learning by doing, reading, hearing--a hunger must lie behind your seeking. Otherwise, we give up. We cast aside the struggle to understand with ease when the unknowns do not matter a whole lot to us. I am one to made an idol of curiosity. It is one of the aspects of who I am that I value with ease, one of the few that self-doubt has to work hard to make me anxious about.

 Despite my staunch admiration for curiosity and wonder in the world, I am faced with all its counterparts. Eavesdropping, gossiping, and spying are all kinds of curiosity about others. It feels twisted to me, however, to give them the same credence and awe that I give the curiosity that a child feels when watching a caterpillar cocoon open.

Aristotle spoke of virtues being a mean between extremes. If curiosity is a virtue, what are the extremes that it lies between? I am not sure I have the perfect one word descriptions, but the mean seems to lie between believing you are meant to have access to all information and believing that seeking information has no value at all. We can become absorbed with knowing to the point of valuing it beyond the people who lives are part of that knowledge.  Alternatively, we can be so indifferent to knowing the world that we do not believe anyone capable of knowing anything.

Either way, we seem to treat knowledge and the drive that spurs us to look for it often without thinking of knowledge as part of ethics. We think that facts are facts and have nothing to do with right or wrong. However, there is no going about procuring any information in this life without affect the rest of life on earth.

Do we become invested in knowing the lives of our friends through social media because we are concerned with the excellence of their lives and our ethical relationship in that process, or because we believe dogmatically that knowing is better than not knowing? We can choose to treat our knowledge of others as simply utilitarian power to make friends through the sharing of personal information. Many "friends" have been united by laughing over the personal problems of a shared enemy. But, it is difficult to use the knowledge of another person without inflicting harm.

Getting to know my friends is a great joy for me, only matched by my happiness at being known to them. I believe in the curiosity of our relationships, that we believe we can know each other within the willingness and ability we each have to share ourselves and receive the other. Curiosity only kills cats that forget the other felines.

Appreciating the body, appreciating others

I recently ended a two week introductory program at a hot yoga studio. It was not my first dip into yoga, but it was definitely my most concentrated one. There are a lot of different things I could cheer or complain about with this studio or yoga, in general. There is the sweating, which actually becomes enjoyable and relaxing. There is the pleasure of that day that a downward facing dog becomes a resting pose for your body. But, for now, I want to talk about yoga and compassion.

Yoga, for me, is a practice of self-acceptance and compassion. To have an authentic practice is challenging not because of lack of strength or flexibility, but lack of self-awareness and embracing the reality of your body. Consistently practicing for two weeks finally got me in a head space where I could go to class with my focus narrowed more closely onto what my body was telling me. Yoga does end up making you stronger and more flexible, but most importantly from my perspective, it asks you to accept where your are in your practice each and every day.

Ultimately, I think this baseline acceptance of one's body, of strengths and abilities, and of limitations is the foundation on which we are able to build our connections to others.  When I am not aware of where I am in that moment, not where I want to be in five years or even five minutes, I am defensive towards anyone seeking compassion. Compassion for others requires an acknowledgement not just of who they are, but what we are capable of doing and being with them. If I imagine myself more or less than I actually am, I miss what is actually possible in my relationships with others. 

To speak the truth with love

[My thanks to Dave O'Hara who planted the seeds that grew these thoughts]

Speaking the truth to one another is not just an act of trust or courage. Ideally, it is an act of love..

Is it even possible to give someone just the facts? I do not doubt the existence of a shared world that our facts come from, but I sincerely question our ability to convey those facts without feeling. Feelings are part of that shared world. We want to cut our first-person perspectives that makes all knowledge possible and meaningful.

I do not mean to say that telling the truth should be a fluffy, feel-good distortion that bypasses reality. Are we not capable of a truth-telling that is based in reality, the whole reality that includes the feelings of human beings, including ourselves? And this does not mean that telling the truth with love will prevent pain on the part of the receiver (or on the part of the sender, for that matter). The truth can hurt, as we have been told, and hurt is not masked by love. I not sure what love achieves in the telling of truth, but I think it may be the only way to fully engage in the reality of our lives.

I grew up surrounded by people who often wielded the truth as a weapon, and I struggle everyday to lay down those habits. I want to work everyday for greater clarity through truth--telling the truth to myself and to others, as much as I am able to, with love. What do you think? Is the truth even the truth if it is not at all attune to the beings who share it? Or am I just further muddying the waters of what truth is in the first place by placing these demands upon our telling of it?

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Watching, Reading, Eating

 

(Lazy breakfast day...)

 

Dusting off trust and safety

If you ever watched "The Jungle Book" as a kid, you probably remember that scene where Kaa sings the song "Trust in Me" to Mowgli. I loved the movie as a kid, less so now, but I have been thinking of Kaa, trust, and Mowgli.

My ability to trust comes down to my sense of security in the world around me. This applies to my trust in myself, others, the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow, and that life is worth living. Overall, I would rank my feeling of safety as pretty minimal, but that is a ranking I was probably not capable of even thinking about before now. The last two or so years have been an important part of my growing sense of safety in the world, but just yesterday I had a somewhat disappointing moment where I realized the depth of my deficit. I have taken great strides in developing trust with others, and I continue to stride out into the world believing in the possibility for change, for improvement.

So far, no magical solutions have presented themselves to me (or fairy godmothers, come to think of it...). But even at this time that I am feeling to full force of my own insecurities, I realized how looking them in the face is the only thing that allows me to move beyond them. It is like living your whole life in a black and white world and one day discovering that everything is covered in a thick layer of powder. Rubbing it away, you begin to see a range of colors that for you have no name. This new information changes your whole perception of your past. You realize that there was a fundamental lack. You never experienced the lack before, and only with the revelation of the colors can you know that there was one. It shakes up the whole picture and introduces an ache in knowing that you lived with such profound lack for so long.

Despite whatever negative feelings arise because of this knowledge, you now live in a world with a fuller spectrum available to you. Yes, you live with the knowledge of all you did not know before, but slowly you begin to name the colors around you and over the course of your life you continue experiencing more and more shades and hues. It is work to blow away all the dust, but slowly life becomes more and more colorful.

I could not begin to feel a real sense of safety without realizing how absent the feeling was in the past, for me. It has thrown me into confusion, anger, and occasional despair. But, beyond the tumult I have been getting glimpses of what a fuller sense of safety in the world might feel like for me. It does not make the pain go away from realizing the former lack in my life, but it does open up a whole perspective on my relationships with others. It is not a complete picture. In fact, I am not sure anyone gets it all colored in their lifetime. But, there is something to strive for and even one corner colored in will be such an amazing thing to behold.

I am not sure how others experience trust and safety, so if you feel inclined, I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Do you feel safe? How do you decide to trust? What do you do when you feel unsafe or that your trust has been violated?

I hope as you read this you are safe or finding your way to safety.

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Watching, Reading, Eating

Pumpkin Cheesecake

Preheat oven to 325 degrees

For crust:

2 c. crushed gingersnaps

5 T. melted butter

For cheesecake:

1.5 lbs. cream cheese (allow to set at room temp for an hour before making)

15 oz. canned pumpkin

3 whole eggs +1 egg yolk

.25 c. sour cream

1.5 c. sugar

1 t. vanilla

2 T. flour

1 t.. cinnamon

.5 t. ginger

.25 t. nutmeg

.25 t. cloves

.25 t. allspice

Special equipment: springform pan, a roasting pan large enough for the springform pan to set in it

Crush gingersnaps in a food processor. Add melted butter and pulse till well mixed. Press firmly into the bottom of a greased springform pan. Bake in preheated oven, one rack level down from the middle, for 10 to 15 minutes, just until the scent of the gingersnaps is quite fragrant.

Meanwhile, in a stand mixer, beat the cream cheese for three minutes on medium. To reduce the moister content of the cheesecake, spread the pumpkin on a double layer of paper towels and press the top with another double layer of paper towels. The pumpkin will easily peel off the paper towel. Add to the cream cheese and beat well. Scrape down the bowl between each following addition. Add the eggs one at a time, allowing them to be well incorporated. Then, beat in the sour cream and vanilla till well incorporated. Next, add the sugar. I find it useful to mix the spices with the flour before adding because it prevents getting clumps of spices once they are in with the liquids. After mixing them together, sprinkle the mix across the top of the cream cheese mixture, and mix till dispersed, but do not over beat.

Wrap the bottom of the cheesecake in a double layer of foil so that it can go in a water bath. Pour in the batter and smooth off the top. Place in the roasting pan and set in the oven. Then carefully pour enough boiling water into the roasting pan to come up 3/4 of the height of the pan. Bake for approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes. The cooking time can vary some, but you can tell it is done when it firm around the edges and the soft center's temperature reads 145 to 150 degrees on an instant read thermometer. Remove from the oven and allow to cool in the water bath for approximately 45 minutes or until the water is lukewarm.  Then remove the pan from the water bath, and place in the fridge for at least 4 hours or overnight. Before releasing the springform, run a thin, sharp knife around the circumference to release the sides cleanly. Allow to set at room temperature 30 minutes to an hour before serving. Enjoy!