Past, Generosity, and Future

Currently, I am weighing a big financial decision. It is one of those, "I am a grown-up" shocker moments, where I realize I have the power to really fuck up my life with a few decisions. Or, you know, these decisions could make life awesome...

Anyways, aside from the general angst of trying to make big commitments with big consequences, I am dealing with an additional problem: accepting help. My parents have offered to help me out with these expenses if I choose to take them on. It seems like it should be a no brainer: someone offers to make your dreams possible, to get a start on these long-term goals. Yet, I am resistant.

I find it very hard to trust people, even my parents. It is hard for me to believe others want me to succeed and want to share in the creation of my happiness by helping me financially. Why? What is it about life that makes me, and perhaps others, so unwilling to believe others care about our happiness?

I actually do know a lot of what makes me wary of trusting. I know and I try not to let it rule my life. But, I cannot stop having those feelings, even if I know they come from the past and are not reflective of the contemporary situation. It is one of the hardest truths in life, I think, to acknowledge that the feelings are real, even if they are not actually about the current situation. It is okay to be afraid of the things we are experiencing in the present because they recall a difficult or complicated aspect of our past. It is okay to stress about decisions because it is difficult to tell why we are making them: is it about what I want now or what I wanted so long ago?

Here's to generosity, and even more to those who can openly embrace it. I hope I can join you one day.