Congruency, inside out and back in again

Recently, I came across some quotes from Gandhi speaking about the importance of congruency between our thoughts and actions. It is that basic concept of authenticity, that you are what you say and do.

I am not one of the world's most congruent people. I strive for it, true, because I do believe that Gandhi gave a good starting definition for happiness when he said that "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Still, I struggle. Why? Why is it so difficult to be congruent in word and deed?

I think it ultimately comes down to trust. Trust in others and trust in ourselves. For me, a big challenge to speaking my mind is fear of rejection. If I do not trust the people I am with, I will find it incredibly challenging to say what I think, let alone to say it in the way that feels most genuine to how I think. These situations make me feel inclined to borrow words from wiser or, at least, more quoted human beings who have spoken on the subject. In the worst cases, it can make me become a mirror of the person with which I speak. I adopt the other's manner towards the subject for fear of them rejecting anything against that view.

But, it goes deeper than that. We all face these times of rejection in the form of others' opinions. Sometimes it is easier to stand up to them, other times it is more challenging. This is because ultimately the trust that we need to be ourselves must be placed in ourselves.

Trusting yourself means knowing that who you are is valid. That  means not only you as a person with a particular opinion on a subject of conversation, but you as a person who has and will  continue to change your mind. I do not think people who believe they are right trust themselves. Confidence that you are in the right is not trusting yourself. That is a kind of faith that goes by the name of hubris in the most extreme cases. Instead, trust in yourself allows you acknowledge your self as valid in the world. It also allows you to change your mind because you know that you being "right" in the world is not the same as being "right" in an argument.  Your existence is good; it is good to be in the world. No matter how many arguments you lose, not matter how many times others can wave the flag of righteousness above your head--your existence is valid just in its being. No one, you or others, can prove you. You are worthy just in your being.

But, from being comes the call to be that which you are honestly, not hide behind what you think others want or need from you. That, I think, is the challenge of congruency. It is struggle to know you are worthy not only of yourself, but of recognition in the world. So much so, that you will fight to have your voice heard. Your voice--not the voice of popular opinion, coercion, or hubris.

In a program here at the women's prison, we use this saying: I am unique, I am important, and I am irreplaceable.  Without knowing this about ourselves, we are fall into the orbit of others' opinions without evaluating them. With it, I think we can all speak with clear voices, learn from one another, and be open to changing, growing--even if that means admitting you were in the wrong before.

But wrong or right--your actions matter because they come from you. I hope to live my life in a way that reflects what is inside to the world and acknowledges what I put out into the world is me. From that clarity, I hope to be kinder to myself and to others. It is a process, but it is one that, for me, has this refrain:

I am unique, I am important, and I am irreplaceable.