I recently ended a two week introductory program at a hot yoga studio. It was not my first dip into yoga, but it was definitely my most concentrated one. There are a lot of different things I could cheer or complain about with this studio or yoga, in general. There is the sweating, which actually becomes enjoyable and relaxing. There is the pleasure of that day that a downward facing dog becomes a resting pose for your body. But, for now, I want to talk about yoga and compassion.
Yoga, for me, is a practice of self-acceptance and compassion. To have an authentic practice is challenging not because of lack of strength or flexibility, but lack of self-awareness and embracing the reality of your body. Consistently practicing for two weeks finally got me in a head space where I could go to class with my focus narrowed more closely onto what my body was telling me. Yoga does end up making you stronger and more flexible, but most importantly from my perspective, it asks you to accept where your are in your practice each and every day.
Ultimately, I think this baseline acceptance of one's body, of strengths and abilities, and of limitations is the foundation on which we are able to build our connections to others. When I am not aware of where I am in that moment, not where I want to be in five years or even five minutes, I am defensive towards anyone seeking compassion. Compassion for others requires an acknowledgement not just of who they are, but what we are capable of doing and being with them. If I imagine myself more or less than I actually am, I miss what is actually possible in my relationships with others.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
To speak the truth with love
[My thanks to Dave O'Hara who planted the seeds that grew these thoughts]
Speaking the truth to one another is not just an act of trust or courage. Ideally, it is an act of love..
Is it even possible to give someone just the facts? I do not doubt the existence of a shared world that our facts come from, but I sincerely question our ability to convey those facts without feeling. Feelings are part of that shared world. We want to cut our first-person perspectives that makes all knowledge possible and meaningful.
I do not mean to say that telling the truth should be a fluffy, feel-good distortion that bypasses reality. Are we not capable of a truth-telling that is based in reality, the whole reality that includes the feelings of human beings, including ourselves? And this does not mean that telling the truth with love will prevent pain on the part of the receiver (or on the part of the sender, for that matter). The truth can hurt, as we have been told, and hurt is not masked by love. I not sure what love achieves in the telling of truth, but I think it may be the only way to fully engage in the reality of our lives.
I grew up surrounded by people who often wielded the truth as a weapon, and I struggle everyday to lay down those habits. I want to work everyday for greater clarity through truth--telling the truth to myself and to others, as much as I am able to, with love. What do you think? Is the truth even the truth if it is not at all attune to the beings who share it? Or am I just further muddying the waters of what truth is in the first place by placing these demands upon our telling of it?
Speaking the truth to one another is not just an act of trust or courage. Ideally, it is an act of love..
Is it even possible to give someone just the facts? I do not doubt the existence of a shared world that our facts come from, but I sincerely question our ability to convey those facts without feeling. Feelings are part of that shared world. We want to cut our first-person perspectives that makes all knowledge possible and meaningful.
I do not mean to say that telling the truth should be a fluffy, feel-good distortion that bypasses reality. Are we not capable of a truth-telling that is based in reality, the whole reality that includes the feelings of human beings, including ourselves? And this does not mean that telling the truth with love will prevent pain on the part of the receiver (or on the part of the sender, for that matter). The truth can hurt, as we have been told, and hurt is not masked by love. I not sure what love achieves in the telling of truth, but I think it may be the only way to fully engage in the reality of our lives.
I grew up surrounded by people who often wielded the truth as a weapon, and I struggle everyday to lay down those habits. I want to work everyday for greater clarity through truth--telling the truth to myself and to others, as much as I am able to, with love. What do you think? Is the truth even the truth if it is not at all attune to the beings who share it? Or am I just further muddying the waters of what truth is in the first place by placing these demands upon our telling of it?
--------------------------
Watching, Reading, Eating
 |
| (Lazy breakfast day...) |
Friday, November 23, 2012
Dusting off trust and safety
If you ever watched "The Jungle Book" as a kid, you probably remember that scene where Kaa sings the song "Trust in Me" to Mowgli. I loved the movie as a kid, less so now, but I have been thinking of Kaa, trust, and Mowgli.
My ability to trust comes down to my sense of security in the world around me. This applies to my trust in myself, others, the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow, and that life is worth living. Overall, I would rank my feeling of safety as pretty minimal, but that is a ranking I was probably not capable of even thinking about before now. The last two or so years have been an important part of my growing sense of safety in the world, but just yesterday I had a somewhat disappointing moment where I realized the depth of my deficit. I have taken great strides in developing trust with others, and I continue to stride out into the world believing in the possibility for change, for improvement.
So far, no magical solutions have presented themselves to me (or fairy godmothers, come to think of it...). But even at this time that I am feeling to full force of my own insecurities, I realized how looking them in the face is the only thing that allows me to move beyond them. It is like living your whole life in a black and white world and one day discovering that everything is covered in a thick layer of powder. Rubbing it away, you begin to see a range of colors that for you have no name. This new information changes your whole perception of your past. You realize that there was a fundamental lack. You never experienced the lack before, and only with the revelation of the colors can you know that there was one. It shakes up the whole picture and introduces an ache in knowing that you lived with such profound lack for so long.
Despite whatever negative feelings arise because of this knowledge, you now live in a world with a fuller spectrum available to you. Yes, you live with the knowledge of all you did not know before, but slowly you begin to name the colors around you and over the course of your life you continue experiencing more and more shades and hues. It is work to blow away all the dust, but slowly life becomes more and more colorful.
I could not begin to feel a real sense of safety without realizing how absent the feeling was in the past, for me. It has thrown me into confusion, anger, and occasional despair. But, beyond the tumult I have been getting glimpses of what a fuller sense of safety in the world might feel like for me. It does not make the pain go away from realizing the former lack in my life, but it does open up a whole perspective on my relationships with others. It is not a complete picture. In fact, I am not sure anyone gets it all colored in their lifetime. But, there is something to strive for and even one corner colored in will be such an amazing thing to behold.
I am not sure how others experience trust and safety, so if you feel inclined, I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Do you feel safe? How do you decide to trust? What do you do when you feel unsafe or that your trust has been violated?
I hope as you read this you are safe or finding your way to safety.
Crush gingersnaps in a food processor. Add melted butter and pulse till well mixed. Press firmly into the bottom of a greased springform pan. Bake in preheated oven, one rack level down from the middle, for 10 to 15 minutes, just until the scent of the gingersnaps is quite fragrant.
Meanwhile, in a stand mixer, beat the cream cheese for three minutes on medium. To reduce the moister content of the cheesecake, spread the pumpkin on a double layer of paper towels and press the top with another double layer of paper towels. The pumpkin will easily peel off the paper towel. Add to the cream cheese and beat well. Scrape down the bowl between each following addition. Add the eggs one at a time, allowing them to be well incorporated. Then, beat in the sour cream and vanilla till well incorporated. Next, add the sugar. I find it useful to mix the spices with the flour before adding because it prevents getting clumps of spices once they are in with the liquids. After mixing them together, sprinkle the mix across the top of the cream cheese mixture, and mix till dispersed, but do not over beat.
Wrap the bottom of the cheesecake in a double layer of foil so that it can go in a water bath. Pour in the batter and smooth off the top. Place in the roasting pan and set in the oven. Then carefully pour enough boiling water into the roasting pan to come up 3/4 of the height of the pan. Bake for approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes. The cooking time can vary some, but you can tell it is done when it firm around the edges and the soft center's temperature reads 145 to 150 degrees on an instant read thermometer. Remove from the oven and allow to cool in the water bath for approximately 45 minutes or until the water is lukewarm. Then remove the pan from the water bath, and place in the fridge for at least 4 hours or overnight. Before releasing the springform, run a thin, sharp knife around the circumference to release the sides cleanly. Allow to set at room temperature 30 minutes to an hour before serving. Enjoy!
My ability to trust comes down to my sense of security in the world around me. This applies to my trust in myself, others, the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow, and that life is worth living. Overall, I would rank my feeling of safety as pretty minimal, but that is a ranking I was probably not capable of even thinking about before now. The last two or so years have been an important part of my growing sense of safety in the world, but just yesterday I had a somewhat disappointing moment where I realized the depth of my deficit. I have taken great strides in developing trust with others, and I continue to stride out into the world believing in the possibility for change, for improvement.
So far, no magical solutions have presented themselves to me (or fairy godmothers, come to think of it...). But even at this time that I am feeling to full force of my own insecurities, I realized how looking them in the face is the only thing that allows me to move beyond them. It is like living your whole life in a black and white world and one day discovering that everything is covered in a thick layer of powder. Rubbing it away, you begin to see a range of colors that for you have no name. This new information changes your whole perception of your past. You realize that there was a fundamental lack. You never experienced the lack before, and only with the revelation of the colors can you know that there was one. It shakes up the whole picture and introduces an ache in knowing that you lived with such profound lack for so long.
Despite whatever negative feelings arise because of this knowledge, you now live in a world with a fuller spectrum available to you. Yes, you live with the knowledge of all you did not know before, but slowly you begin to name the colors around you and over the course of your life you continue experiencing more and more shades and hues. It is work to blow away all the dust, but slowly life becomes more and more colorful.
I could not begin to feel a real sense of safety without realizing how absent the feeling was in the past, for me. It has thrown me into confusion, anger, and occasional despair. But, beyond the tumult I have been getting glimpses of what a fuller sense of safety in the world might feel like for me. It does not make the pain go away from realizing the former lack in my life, but it does open up a whole perspective on my relationships with others. It is not a complete picture. In fact, I am not sure anyone gets it all colored in their lifetime. But, there is something to strive for and even one corner colored in will be such an amazing thing to behold.
I am not sure how others experience trust and safety, so if you feel inclined, I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Do you feel safe? How do you decide to trust? What do you do when you feel unsafe or that your trust has been violated?
I hope as you read this you are safe or finding your way to safety.
--------------------------------------------------
Watching, Reading, Eating
Pumpkin Cheesecake
Preheat oven to 325 degrees
For crust:
2 c. crushed gingersnaps
5 T. melted butter
For cheesecake:
1.5 lbs. cream cheese (allow to set at room temp for an hour before making)
15 oz. canned pumpkin
3 whole eggs +1 egg yolk
.25 c. sour cream
1.5 c. sugar
1 t. vanilla
2 T. flour
1 t.. cinnamon
.5 t. ginger
.25 t. nutmeg
.25 t. cloves
.25 t. allspice
Special equipment: springform pan, a roasting pan large enough for the springform pan to set in it
Crush gingersnaps in a food processor. Add melted butter and pulse till well mixed. Press firmly into the bottom of a greased springform pan. Bake in preheated oven, one rack level down from the middle, for 10 to 15 minutes, just until the scent of the gingersnaps is quite fragrant.
Meanwhile, in a stand mixer, beat the cream cheese for three minutes on medium. To reduce the moister content of the cheesecake, spread the pumpkin on a double layer of paper towels and press the top with another double layer of paper towels. The pumpkin will easily peel off the paper towel. Add to the cream cheese and beat well. Scrape down the bowl between each following addition. Add the eggs one at a time, allowing them to be well incorporated. Then, beat in the sour cream and vanilla till well incorporated. Next, add the sugar. I find it useful to mix the spices with the flour before adding because it prevents getting clumps of spices once they are in with the liquids. After mixing them together, sprinkle the mix across the top of the cream cheese mixture, and mix till dispersed, but do not over beat.
Wrap the bottom of the cheesecake in a double layer of foil so that it can go in a water bath. Pour in the batter and smooth off the top. Place in the roasting pan and set in the oven. Then carefully pour enough boiling water into the roasting pan to come up 3/4 of the height of the pan. Bake for approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes. The cooking time can vary some, but you can tell it is done when it firm around the edges and the soft center's temperature reads 145 to 150 degrees on an instant read thermometer. Remove from the oven and allow to cool in the water bath for approximately 45 minutes or until the water is lukewarm. Then remove the pan from the water bath, and place in the fridge for at least 4 hours or overnight. Before releasing the springform, run a thin, sharp knife around the circumference to release the sides cleanly. Allow to set at room temperature 30 minutes to an hour before serving. Enjoy!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Beginning the conversation
What is conversation? Well, for starters, it is the best place I can think to begin this blog. I am a lover of conversation, of communication with others. My reason for starting this blog actually came from the fact that I currently live away from many of the people with whom I most enjoy conversing. While technology has not yet developed a way for me to pop into my friends' living rooms across the planet, the internet is an okay intermediary for parts of what I miss.
I appreciate and utilize a great deal of technology everyday. However, when it comes to the technology that most directly affects my relationship to other human beings, I am fairly wary. For several months now, I have been facebook free and have not missed it. I am not entirely against facebook, but I am against me using it because I found it decreased the frequency thoughtful discussion with my closest friends and encouraged in me a more superficial interest in the lives of others.
So, why blog now? After several prods from Andrea, I pondered it for awhile. I certainly do not consider blogging to be a replacement for my conversation with loved ones. I do frequently e-mail or write to my friends about the sort of things I will be posting here. So, why bother?
I think the best reason for me is to open up my thought for conversation. A blog allows all of my friends to participate in one arena in a conversation. It also leaves the door open for new people to come in. Most importantly, it requires me to put my thoughts out in the world in a way that is open to conversation. Not all of these thoughts are diamonds (and the spelling and grammar will almost certainly lack precision at times...), but I want to be in the habit of thinking with others. Even if no one besides my closest friends ever happen across this blog, it will have been worthwhile to pursue clarity in my own thinking and ever more openness to dialogue with the world at large.
Good communication relies equally on openness to the thoughts and feelings of others and on the practice of clear presentation of one's own ideas. I will raise my glass (a.k.a: bottle of water) to what I hope will be a great conversation.
I appreciate and utilize a great deal of technology everyday. However, when it comes to the technology that most directly affects my relationship to other human beings, I am fairly wary. For several months now, I have been facebook free and have not missed it. I am not entirely against facebook, but I am against me using it because I found it decreased the frequency thoughtful discussion with my closest friends and encouraged in me a more superficial interest in the lives of others.
So, why blog now? After several prods from Andrea, I pondered it for awhile. I certainly do not consider blogging to be a replacement for my conversation with loved ones. I do frequently e-mail or write to my friends about the sort of things I will be posting here. So, why bother?
I think the best reason for me is to open up my thought for conversation. A blog allows all of my friends to participate in one arena in a conversation. It also leaves the door open for new people to come in. Most importantly, it requires me to put my thoughts out in the world in a way that is open to conversation. Not all of these thoughts are diamonds (and the spelling and grammar will almost certainly lack precision at times...), but I want to be in the habit of thinking with others. Even if no one besides my closest friends ever happen across this blog, it will have been worthwhile to pursue clarity in my own thinking and ever more openness to dialogue with the world at large.
Good communication relies equally on openness to the thoughts and feelings of others and on the practice of clear presentation of one's own ideas. I will raise my glass (a.k.a: bottle of water) to what I hope will be a great conversation.
--------------------------------------------------
Watching, Reading, Eating
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)