Today, I read an online article about parenting strategies for defiant toddlers/children. The article itself was interesting, though not written in a rigorous manner--more of a "here's some things that work for me" tone about it. The distressing part of reading this piece, however, was scrolling through the comment section.
Almost every other comment bemoaned how any kind of parenting that doesn't include spankings and/or "Because I say so" reasoning leads to spoiled, entitled children who think they are the center of the universe and won't listen to anyone. I guess children who aren't spanked or talked-down to enough should be considered strokes of luck when they don't turn out this way? An article written like this, for mass consumption without much in the way of evidence citation for its suggestions, attracts a lot of anecdotal evidence in the comments. My kids, my friends kids, the kids that annoy me when I am in restaurants, etc. all become definitive evidence of the worthiness of differing parenting methods when we don't pause and reflect on those experiences.
Good parenting isn't just guess work mixed with good intentions and a firm hand. There is a lot that we don't know about the science behind child development, and yes, social sciences have pushed parenting methods in the wrong direction in the past. The general avoidance of Freudian thinking these days, however, does not convince me that psychology has nothing of worth to offer the discerning parent. Once upon a time, people used to believe in phrenology. Why is it now considered pseudoscience? Because scientists continued to be critical of all the ideas being presented. I don't doubt all that science has discovered about the human brain simply because it has been wrong in the past.
Parenting is not some liberty or right guaranteed by a government. No, it is one of the most amazing things humans do; bringing new human beings into the world, helping them grow and discover, and embracing that ultimately they are their own separate persons from the start that we do not get to dictate. It is an act of love, and it is also an act of intellect. People spend hours researching what smart phone to buy next, but how many hours do most of us put into research parenting? Not just one style either. How many of us research the consensus and the conflicts that different psychological schools hold towards childhood development? How many of us will have thought about our own upbringing and go out of our way to discover multiple alternative ways of being raised before we conceive a child? These precious beings come into the world because we have made it so, not because they demanded it. How often do we reflect upon their priceless value and our obligation to aid their formation into adults?
Getting pregnant is pretty easy for many. Writing this blog, an online article, or a comment in response to one about parenting can take only a few moments. What is difficult is to set hubris aside to consider the complex and dynamic thing that it is to parent. It is truly a struggle to not be blind to our own childhood experiences and allow conflicting voices to enter our considerations. I worry that the parent who cannot participate in an open discussion where faults can be admitted with other adults will struggle to show their children the complexity of the world while still keeping them safe.
Of course, most will not take seriously what a 23 year old single person without children thinks. That's okay. I'm not a child expert. I'm not telling anyone what to do when their toddler throws a tantrum or their teenage gets caught smoking. I am asking for parenting to become a topic that is okay to discuss openly, without defenses, and with a willingness to change when confronted with evidence that our behaviors are harming our children. Every parent makes mistakes. Some make big ones. I think we can strive to have fewer and fewer that are permanently damaging to children if we make discussions of parenting and child-parent relationships more open and remove the immediate condemnation of perspectives that challenge our own. It's only possible if our discourse changes from one individual right to not be told how to parent to one of individuals seeking to do what is right for their children's well-being.
Each day I seek courage for myself to be open to what challenges me, the values I hold, and the choices I make in my life. It is a struggle that is endless, but fruitful. I hope for all of us the courage to open ourselves to opposition, that we make seek open discuss with love and compassion about the most important tasks we each undertake in our lives. Let us be friends to one another in seeking right and just actions in addition to knowledge.
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