H.T. to A. for the inspiration for the following. It's in very rough form, but I wanted to get it out there to be able to reflect on it more in the future.
Say your not one of the so-called "expecationless" I was critiquing last week. You have your expectations, you know what you want--but, we don't always get what we want. Life is not a vending machine or, if it is, it's one of those that can eat all your quarters and still give you a dozen pulverized granola bars instead of a Mars bar.
Success in relationships is not about just coming up with a list of demands, presenting them to another person and saying "Take it or leave it." Certainly, there are some things you should not compromise on--your health, your safety and your emotional well-being. Beyond the basic decency and respect I desire from all human beings, what is reasonable to expect from those I foster personal relationships with?
By the time we get into our 20's, most of us have known at least one person we would call "demanding" in relationships. These are the people who boarder on deranged when their significant other fails to communicate with them at least twice every hour or who threatens to never speak to their friend again after the person cancels on hangout despite seeing that person multiple times in the week. We don't criticize these people for knowing what we want or being able to state clearly their desires. Instead, we see an inconsistency between this person's perception and the reality of the world around them--which is at once a part objective experience of the limitations of the world and part the work of a shared subjective experience.
To what degree any of us gets to know "reality" is a philosophical question I'd rather not get bogged down in right now, but I will go ahead an lay out my own belief about truth-development between two people. There are a number of limitations on any of our expectations, and those limitations can be misunderstood on two main levels. Our unrealistic/unhealthy expectations may develop from an internal perception about the external limits which does not match up with the demands of external world. Alternatively, these unmeetable expectations may develop from a internal perception of the other person's ability/desires that does not match with the other's actual internal experience.
For example, consider a person "A" who is mad at their partner "B" for not returning a call or text message while "B" is at work. I think, for most of us, this is a pretty clear unrealistic demand. However, the problem with the expectation runs deeper than the instance of annoyance. First, let's state the expectation as something more basic: partners should communicate openly and without avoidance. Nothing expressly wrong with expecting open, direct communication from your partner. There is a move, however, between this more basic expectation to "checklist" item or demand that the partner should be answering messages or calls while at work. I think that move has to do more with each person's perception
It could be this A's perception is out of sync with the external limits that are part of B's life: most workplaces don't appreciate their employees taking personal calls when they should be working. However, this probably has more to do with a mismatch between the separate perspectives of A and B and the one they think they are sharing. Whether its jealousy, insecurity or something else, an emotional state or subconscious psychological issue maybe causing them to see a skewed version of what's going on. They may comprehend consciously that others cannot be expected to answer at every moment of the day, but their perception of the world through insecurity may cause them to negate that as the reason B does not respond to their attempts at communication.
So, the message is sent by A and B does not respond until their lunch break. If A is frustrated by this because of the more external misunderstanding, it can probably be resolved with ease. Maybe A has a job where you can take time for personal calls during the day without issue. The fundamental expectation "partners should communicate openly and without avoidance" still remains true for both partners, and can be upheld through communication about what is an isn't possible due to the constraints of A and B's pragmatic work-life demands.
If the issue lies in the more complex, subjective aspect of experience, the expectation may remain true, but is impossible to carry out because the partners are not seeing the same situation. While B sees waiting until an appropriate break or the end of the day to respond as fulfilling "partners should communicate openly and without avoidance," A may be incapable of even considering the pragmatics of the situation due to skewed interpretation of the situation. If A has a jealous tendency, they will shut out reality and reform what information they receive to fit an vision where B must be hiding something when they do not respond instantly.
This is one example, and likely not a good one at that. But I hope it outlines some of the basic ideas. I think we all spend a great deal of our lives trying to understand our own perception of our lives. It is another effort to try to understand the perceptions of others and yet a further move to try and pursue a truth-seeking process with another. It demands empathy, self-knowledge and an ability to critique all of the lenses that lay over our expectations.
I don't mean to make this sound like, "Why the fuck isn't everyone doing these things?" Not at all. It is fucking hard to examine not just our expectations but also the ways some of the deepest parts of ourselves and our experiences will affect how we judge others' fulfillment of those expectations. And, I don't think its an achievable expectation to think we can remove all of these lenses. Self-knowledge is a life-long pursuit, and it is a beautiful thing to be able to embark on that process with friends, family, lovers, pets and yourself. However, the more we can be honest with ourselves and those we embark upon meaningful relationships with, the more we can see the world for what it is--not what we wish it to be.
There is not vending machine, no quarters to insert for a specified outcome: it may even turn out what you thought you were hungry for isn't even available from any letter/number combination. We may know we are hungry for something, we may even know that we want something nourishing, but any number of experiences may keep us from knowing what is nourishing. Emphatic understanding of expectations, ourselves and others are a dynamic flow that join together to help bring us closer to knowing the full truth of what we are seeking and how to find fulfillment.
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